what we did last night

moving on

2007-09-09T11:37:00.000Z

I have been shockingly bad at updating this blog recently, I know. But the thing is, I was keeping two blogs, and it was getting a little confusing for me. And there is enough confusion in my life without anything else, so I decided to start a new blog, which is (hopefully) a combination of this and the other one I was writing.

And it's here.

See you soon x

tasty

2007-08-03T20:44:00.000Z

As I said a few posts back, Justin came in my mouth the other week, and the taste of it was way different to Don's. So different that I was surprised, and that is rare. But it got me thinking about cum, and how different foods might affect the taste of it.
To be honest, I'll swallow your load however bitter/salty/nasty it is... it's plain bad manners to spit it out. But if it tasted sweeter? Would I be so keen for you to shoot it down the back of my throat, rather than onto my tongue? And what if I tasted sweeter? Would I get eaten out for longer? Would I be feasted upon?

I smoke. I drink. I eat alot of Indian food. I don't do fruit, or vegetables really. So imagine my horror when I do a bit of googling on the subject (and ask about it on the forums) and find that they all contribute to a not-so-sweet tasting pussy. To be honest, I think I taste nice; certainly better than the last girl I went down on ;) - but, still. You don't want to read that sort of stuff, do you? Knocks a girl's confidence.
More googling tells me I need pineapple. Apples. raisins. Broccoli. Less meat. Less smoking. Less garlic. Less beer... So today I've drunk a litre of pineapple juice. I hope it makes my pussy taste better - it's fucking horrible to drink!

swings and roundabouts

2007-08-02T10:23:00.000Z

So a brief catch-up. Justin and I made up last week, and a weekend full of texts and phone-calls ensued that was very nice indeed. Lots of red-lights and danger signs, but what can you do when your heart takes over from your head? It was never my intention to fall for him, and I doubt it was his either, but it happened anyway... and that led to us missing each other, wanting more than we had, getting scared and backing off... it's been a full-on rollercoaster these last few weeks.

I met up with him again on Tuesday - the first time since Brighton. And although it was good to see him, as it always is, I wished that we could afford to get a hotel room every week, instead of acting like alley-cats. Not that I mind sex outdoors... in fact sometimes I love it. A quick hard fuck down a quiet back-street is sometimes just what the doctor ordered; a bit of risk, mixed with a bit of urgency, mixed with a bit of discomfort. But when that's all there is, it kind of loses it's appeal a little.

That's not to say it wasn't good to get fucked on a stairwell in Leicester Square, metres away from the hustle and bustle of London life, because it was. I just wish we could be in a bed, in private, and explore each other properly, instead of being rammed up against a dirty door with my jeans round my knees, trying to keep the noise down. You know? It's frustrating enough not being able to see him more regularly, but this drives me nuts.

So. We kind of mutually agreed that it's too hard for us, and we should take a break, which probably means we won't see each other in that context again. I won't pretend I'm not disappointed, because I am. But I guess some things are just not meant to be.

So it's just the two of us again. Left to pick up the pieces, which are all over the floor. Terrific!

break-ups and breakdowns

2007-07-25T10:00:00.000Z

I've missed big chunks out of what's been going on Chez Mia recently - for no other reason than there has simply been too much information, too many details, and far too many wonky spells when I haven't even been able to string a word together, nevermind a sentence.

To set the record straight - Don hasn't done anything other than fuck my head up and push me out of my safety zone. And because of that, the trust is gone. I don't feel secure in this relationship anymore, and that quite frankly, pisses me off. It could have all been avoided if he'd only opened up to me when things were getting too much for him. That's always been a gripe with me; the fact that he just doesn't communicate on a honest, straightforward level. Ever. He bottles things up, until he can't bottle them up anymore, and what I get then is a whole stream of stuff - everything from "you're the best thing ever", to "I don't have much love to give", to "I'm going to do whatever I like, no matter how much it hurts you", to completely ignoring me, to "It's over, Mia", to "I'm really sorry Mia, I love you so much".

I don't think anyone can blame me for being slightly confused...?

I wish I could just forget it all, but I can't. If I wake up and he isn't in the bed next to me, I panic that he's gone back to his place. If he's late home from work, I panic that he's gone back to his place. When he's at work I panic if he doesn't text me during the day. I'm always looking for little signs that maybe he doesn't really love me anymore... and I keep finding them too. Or at least I think I do. But who's to say I'm not just being overly sensitive and paranoid?

I don't know.

So maybe it wasn't the best idea for us to go to a swinging social at the weekend. All last week I had a bad feeling about it, and it was only late Friday night I finally decided to risk it.
And it started out great. Don met Justin for the first time, and although it was a bit weird (for me), I hoped the three of us could turn a corner now. And it was fantastic to see Justin again. Really fantastic.
Unfortunately, in all my excitability, I got completely hammered very early on, and it just went from bad to worse after that. I'll spare you all the details, because I really don't want to recount them, but the best bit of the whole weekend was when I was cuddled up in bed with Justin for ten minutes. And the worst bit was when he told me it was all over, just as I'd fallen for him.
And somewhere in between I ended up in a softcore threesome with him and the girl he was sharing with. Like you do.
I blame my state of mind at the time, which due to earlier events had been completely messed up. It certainly wasn't something I wanted, and afterwards I just felt regret. But that's what happens I suppose when I finally get in a bed with Justin and there's another woman there.

Oh well. Live and learn, eh?

fucked

2007-07-18T10:18:00.000Z

Me and Don have had a major relationship-changing week; one that I could not, even if I tried to, ever put into words without rambling on for all eternity (probably). The long and short of it is that at one point we were over, and then when my heart was completely broken, we got back together again. My heart is still broken.
I know I should own my feelings, and I know I shouldn't blame him for how I feel, but I can't help it. He did and said some nasty things to me that he can't take back, that has ruined the relationship I always thought we had. I'm now feeling insecure, unloved, suspicious, jealous, paranoid...

If I ever needed a spanking, now would probably be the time... er. Well maybe not; a scene of any description would probably do me more harm than good at the moment, simply because I am feeling so very vulnerable.

It's very difficult to live with somebody who has just broken your heart. Usually, that comes at the end of the relationship, when all there is left to do is get over it. This way, I have to deal with everything, and find a way to forgive and forget. I'm not quite sure how that's going to happen at the moment; I know it's very early days, but I am finding the whole bloody thing very, very hard right now.

Needless to say, there is absolutely no way he can swing with anyone at the moment without causing me a great deal of headfuck and heartache. I feel really angry about this to be honest; this is not me. I don't want to be some jealous, possessive, mad woman. I cannot stand jealous, possessive mad women. I don't want us to not swing, and I don't want us to not play Master and servant. Those things are a big part of me, and I want to share them with Don. But right now, I don't think the trust needed is there.

Maybe it's too soon to tell. Maybe when he's licked my wounds for me for a little while, I'll feel better. Maybe I'll get everything into perspective. Maybe this is just me being defensive, instead of receptive.

I don't know. Either way though - thankfully - my sex-drive hasn't suffered this time. Usually when I go through personal shit like this, my sex-drive is the first thing to go tits up. But I'm feeling as horny, if not more so, than ever. Many of my fantasies have been put away in the back of my mind - certainly any that involve Don and another woman - but some are still exciting me, and quite randomly I catch myself pinching a nipple, or teasing my cunt with a lazy finger. Then I find I have my knickers round my ankles and am fucking myself silly, usually with this toy. As soon as Don's lips touch mine, I want his cock buried deep inside any one of my holes. Normally, I love the foreplay, but recently I just want him to fuck me stupid. All the time.

Including now.

taste it

2007-07-09T12:28:00.000Z

So busy was I recalling the disasters of our last date that I completely forgot to mention I sucked Justin's cock that night, and swallowed his load like the cum-guzzling slut that I am.

Avid readers will recall that last week, he gave me a face-job on the streets of Soho. That was fun, but I had been disappointed that I hadn't tasted him. So with him telling me to "get on the floor", I was determined to suck him until he exploded in my mouth. Considering we were both originally only it for the shag, things on that level seem to be progressing very slowly indeed; it's making me frustrated and it makes these little moments ones to be savoured, if you'll excuse the pun (and writing that down makes me think we are probably playing a very dangerous game...).

So sitting on a cold grubby concrete step with Justin standing over me, I wrapped my lips around his cock, and got to work... sucking, licking, teasing it, feeling it grow harder and harder, enjoying my temporary control over him, breathing him in and listening to him moaning, his hands in my hair, and his cock at my mercy. And it wasn't long before I felt him tense up, his hands tightening their grip in my hair, and his breath quickening in time with my movements until hot spunk splashed onto my tongue and down my throat, making me smile and swallow.

He tasted very different to Don - which kind of sums up the whole situation really, and not just the flavour of his cum. And it's the one thing that really stands out in my mind about that blow-job.... not the grotty surroundings, not his clean sex smell, not the way his fingers weaved through my hair.... those are just little things, the sensations of which I have long since forgotten. His taste though... if I concentrate hard enough, I can still taste it almost a week later.

I wonder if this is something to do with Don not reconnecting with me properly? I haven't had his cum in my mouth for a while now, and certainly not since I last saw Justin. And to be honest, I don't like it. I want to belong to Don, and I want him to own me. I want his cock to be the last one I sucked. I want his cum to be the last cum I swallowed. We have fucked, but that just isn't the same.

And if someone could tell me why it isn't the same, I'd be really grateful, because I don't get it at all!

mind the gap

2007-07-06T21:25:00.000Z

This may be a rambling post... my head is fucked (again). You have been warned!

I met up with Justin again last night, and I'm quite sad to say that things didn't go nearly as well as our first meeting did. I can't blame Justin for it all - I think my headspace was all wrong, and that was only made worse when he started getting deep with me; telling me how he's fallen for me, how he wants me in his life. To be honest, I was flattered at first. He said I was amazing; how could I not be flattered? But I don't do that kind of heavy stuff, and certainly not when I've only just met a person. It takes me a great deal of time to feel safe enough, and two dates in really isn't enough time at all for anything other than wanting a fuck.
And lets face it: that was the only reason I wanted to meet him in the first place. I mean, yes, I liked him, and I was curious... but it was the fuck I was after. I didn't expect to walk into another "relationship" - certainly not that early on, and certainly not with him.
All I know was that last night, I wanted to run away. I needed to be with Don. I didn't feel safe, at all. Because like the emotional rampage wasn't enough, he was all over me like a rash, even in the pub, and I must've said "no" about a million times - something I don't do very often, if at all!
We were walking down some empty street or another, and he pushed me into a doorway, and started kissing me, feeling me up and pulling my hair, and I was actually quite "scared" right then. I felt too vulnerable, especially after the mental battering, to be treated so roughly.

To put it simply; it was just all too much for me.

I called Don. I didn't know what to say, but I wanted to talk to him. He seemed ok. And it was nice to hear his voice. But with that came guilt I can't explain, and an overwhelming sense of confusion. About my feelings, about what I wanted, and where I was going... gah.

So I turned round, and told Justin I was going home. I felt like I was going to cry, and I didn't want him to bear witness to that. I walked away, but he caught me up, and talked me into having one more beer with him before we went home. With that came even more heavy talking, and too many questions I didn't have any answers to. And then.

I got a text. From Don. Telling me he was going to go out the next night (tonight), and try and pull this girl from work. It was totally out of the blue, especially as he'd agreed earlier in the week that it was the wrong thing to do, and it completely threw me. It was like a punch in the stomach, and the evening - as late as it was by then - went from bad to worse after that.
It wasn't just the way he threw this at me while I was out... it was the fact that he'd told me he'd be back tomorrow, and now he was telling me he wouldn't. But I need to reconnect with Don when I've been with Justin. I need reassurance afterwards, just as much as he does, and I need us to be close and together. It hurts enough that I can't go home to him. It hurts enough that I have to sleep alone. I can't bear to be without him for another night... especially after hearing his plans. It's too much distance, and somehow I have to try and close the gap.

I just don't know how, at the moment.

stay with me til dawn

2007-07-06T16:39:00.000Z

I was just writing about last night, when this tune came on. And as it kind of sums up everything I feel right now, I thought I'd put the lyrics here. For Don x

Is this a game you're playin'
I don't understand what's goin' on
I can't see through your frown
First you're up
Then you're down
You're keepin' me from someone
I want to know

But I need you tonight
(Need you tonight)
Yes I need you tonight
(Need you tonight)
And I'll show you a sunset
If you'll stay with me till dawn...

It's the same old situation
Every word so finely placed
Runnin' around
My concentration
Is the feelin' that I've just got to
Break out and say

Is this a game you're playin'
Playin' with my heart
(Need you tonight)
Ooh stop playin' with my heart
(Need you tonight)
And I'll show you a sunset
If you'll stay with me till dawn...

back together

2007-07-01T16:59:00.000Z

Thankfully, eventually, Don came to see me yesterday. When I woke up in the morning I just really wanted to be with him after being with Justin the night before. I needed to re-connect with him, and it was horrible him not being there. So when he turned up, I was relieved to say the least.
We cuddled and kissed, and he asked me what I'd gotten up to the night before.

"Did you kiss him"
"Yes"
"Did he finger you?"
"Er... yes"

It was a bit difficult talking to Don about what a slut I'd been, so I didn't say much; just answered the questions he asked me, and thankfully there weren't many. He got the general gist of it though, and it turned him enough to start playing with my cunt through my jeans. I was so frustrated that within seconds I was fiddling about with our belt buckles, trying to free us both of un wanted clothes. We just about managed to get our jeans off before we were fucking.
It was a quick fuck. Quick, but hard. "You filthy fucking slut" he whispered in my ear as he rammed his cock into me, and I did actually really feel like one right then: being sexual with two different guys in less than 24 hours is pretty slutty, isn't it? It felt good though - quite often Don calls me a slut when we're fucking, because we both get off on it, but it's very rare that he says it and means it, and it's even rarer that he says it and I feel like I did right then. Like I had been validated, or something.
I could probably get used to this.

We went out later that night for our last chance to smoke in the pubs and clubs before the smoking ban kicked in (and don't get me started on that!), and that felt good too after being apart for a few days. I felt young and vibrant and so liberated words can't even describe it. We chatted, and laughed, and danced, and just forgot the stresses of the last couple of weeks, and it was exactly what we needed - apart from the fuck - to bring us back together.
Under the influence of booze and pills though, I have a tendency to talk alot. So after falling about outside the club, talking to Justin on the phone about how much I wanted to fuck him, Don and I somehow made our way back home, where I told him everything that had happened with Justin. Don laughed a couple of times, and called me a slut (again), and I felt alot better knowing that I wasn't keeping anything from him, and that he was alright with it all.

I hope he is, anyway.

the date

2007-06-30T13:20:00.000Z

The last post finished a bit unexpectedly - I suspect I probably had more to say than that, but due to my state of mind last week I found it very hard to articulate myself, and as the week evolved things got more and more complicated. The sensible and probably right thing to do would have been to walk away from Justin - but I just couldn't. Strange old things, computers. I've never understood how people can have chemistry over the internet, when there's no eye contact or body language but there has to be something in it, because that's how I met Don, and last night, that's how I met Justin too.
Don had a change of heart, and told me to meet him - something I'm ever so grateful for. I can't cheat on him, but I had to meet this bloke. So with no nervousness or anxiety at all I did just that.
I was sick with worry all last week - convinced he'd be disappointed, convinced I was about to make a twat out of myself... but sat on the train to London with my ipod for company, I was brave and excited. I had a couple of drinks for that good old Dutch courage but even so, I didn't expect to feel quite as good as I did.
And then there we were, face to face. And I just knew as soon as I saw him that we were going to have a blast together. And we did. We were kissing within minutes, and soon after holding hands. We sat in a gay bar, my legs wrapped round him, and chatted about nothing much. And it was really, really nice.
During the course of the evening, with our inhibitions been washed away with beer, we got more and more touchy feely with each other. We had all agreed that there would be no sex on that first meeting. "Just a drink" is what we had said, but in all fairness it was more like foreplay. Had either of us had condoms, I can't say we wouldn't have fucked - we did more or less everything else.
He took me to a sex-cinema. Probably not the best idea - a back room full of blokes watching porn, and me and Justin in the front row. To say we had an audience of our own is something of an understatement as one hand made it's way down my jeans and the other inside my bra. Some guy started stroking my hair, so Justin told him to back off. But then I opened my eyes and saw some stranger leaning right over my shoulder, just a few inches from my face and it freaked me out. I don't mind people watching, but this was just too on top for even me, so we left there quite abruptly and made our way through the many back streets of Soho, stopping for a bit of a play up against one particularly grimy brick wall.
One minute we were kissing, and exploring each other through our clothes, the next he was pushing down my jeans and knickers, taking off my studded belt, and smacking my arse with it. Hard. He had his fingers in my cunt, his hands on my tits... he was all over me, and it was so hot, I didn't notice our audience of one until afterwards... grinning at us from across the road.
Did I mind? Not really; I was too busy thinking "bloody hell, I've never done that before", heh, as Justin stuck his fingers in my mouth so I could taste myself.
There was another first during the course of our pub-crawl, apart from the fact that for the first time in my life I was on a date with a guy seven years younger then me (which is always a nice confidence boost). Not long after our first trip down the back streets, we found ourselves down another one; still horny and still wanting so much. Yet again I found my jeans and knickers round my knees. Yet again Justin had his fingers in my cunt, and yet again he smacked me with my belt.
And then, I sucked his cock. Or should I say he fucked my mouth - I gagged and spluttered and I really need to learn how to deepthroat (I'm sure I could do it once?). I was sure he was going to come in my mouth - I wanted him to. I wanted to taste him. And because we were out on a date, I figured it would be the cleanest way. But no. Justin had other ideas. Justin - in the middle of a street in Soho - came all over my face. I felt so dirty, which I suppose is fitting, because I was. Writing it down, I feel ashamed, to be honest. Ashamed that despite being Don's girlfriend, I went out and acted like a complete slut. I enjoyed it too, so I guess I'm ashamed of that as well? I don't know - it excites me and disgusts me at the same time I think. Maybe Don feels the same way? Maybe we all do. Either way, I had so much fun. We get on really well, and I want to see him again, and soon. I want that fuck.

fallout

2007-06-27T16:39:00.000Z

This blog hasn't been very sexy lately - I've had too much going on in my head to feel horny, or to even think about feeling horny. It's not how I want things to be, either on this blog or in my knickers... but it seems that when the head is fucked my body isn't.

Now I like a good old fashioned headfuck as much as as the next girl; when a man crawls inside your head without you really even noticing, takes note, and then turns you on from the inside out ... there isn't much that beats that. Apart from, of course, a good hard physical fuck, but it's got to be really good and really hard, and even then it's better when the mind has been raped first (such a strong word - rape. But I like it. It fits, and so it stays). It just makes me feel so vulnerable, and to be honest that's exactly how I like to feel when I'm being fucked. Take me to the edge, push me over it. I love all that, and it's so much easier when I'm feeling vulnerable.

But this kind of headfuck is a different ball game altogether. I thought Don was laid back about my propositions - he isn't. I thought I was on the way to a more perfect (for me) way of life - I'm not. Everything's come to a head, and Don has spent what is now the second night away from home. It hurts me.
I'm sexually frustrated, which makes me moody (and aggressive, apparently), and when I'm moody I can't see past the end of my own nose. I really need a shag. I need to be ravished and bitten and smacked and ruined. I need to have my hair pulled. I need to be called all those names that make me feel disgusting. I need to be taken out of myself and thrown into subspace.

in bits

2007-06-25T15:02:00.000Z

So Don and I are breaking into new territory, and at the moment, Don appears to be handling it better than I am, which is most strange considering I'm the one with a new friend (who we're going to have to give a name to, so let's call him Justin). I do worry that Don is just putting a brave face on it all, but if he isn't - if he really is as laid-back about it as he's acting, then I stand completely in awe of him, I really do.
Because I'm not so laid-back.

I am absolutely shit-scared of meeting Justin for a drink, even though I know I have to. I want to back out of it, purely because I'm petrified that when he sees me in real life, I'm going to be a disappointment... especially after the things that have been said. It's doing my nut in, good and proper. But I suppose I'm just going to have to somehow put a big front on it all, and do it. I wish I would learn my lesson about getting too involved on the internet though...

And then there's the delicate situation I find myself in with trying to strike a good balance between being honest and open, and being mindful of Don's feelings. I don't know how much information is too much? I don't know if it's fair on him for me to express my fears about meeting Justin, and if I get blown out when I do meet him, is it fair to ask Don for some comfort?

I'm completely lost at this point.

safety catch

2007-06-22T11:12:00.000Z

After last night's post, there was, unsurprisingly, yet another heated discussion about our relationship and where it's going, and what we both want. Don made the valid point that if I wanted to meet others without him, then he has to be able to do that as well. I agreed - well I couldn't really argue with that, could I?
He then mentioned that he's got a bit of chemistry with a girl at work. Not something I really have a problem with at all, it was just the start of the sentence that made my stomach churn:
"ok, well I'll tell you something now... for the last month...". By the time he'd said the word month, my brain was racing. Oh My God, has he been shagging someone else? Getting close to someone else? Without telling me? Secrets are terrible things, and not something I ever want us to have.

"So... there's this work do coming up... she'll be there. If something happens, is that alright?"

"Erm, no. You've never taken me to a work do, Don. You've kept me out of the way, and now you'd be happy for your colleagues to see you cop off with someone else?"

Words to that effect, anyway. Am I being uncool? Shouldn't I mind? Because I do.

"And anyway" I continue, "This is the first I've even heard of her, so I'd want to meet her first"

I will have to meet her. I can't be sitting here wondering if she's younger, prettier, sexier, more fun than me - it's too easy to sit there and imagine the worst, and I don't want to do that to myself. And I want her - or any woman - to know who I am, and that everything is on a level. Obviously she might well be younger, prettier, sexier than me - but I'll just have to deal with that in some way. Do I want to know everything they do together; will it make me (more) jealous, or will it reassure me? Will I feel better if he comes straight home to our bed? I think I might. That's one of the best things about swinging (in my very short experience); the re-connection after there's been someone else is electric, and I think it would make me feel safer too.
I haven't quite got to thinking about how I would cope with him having another relationship... I wouldn't have a clue where to start. Of course it would be hard. Especially if I didn't have another relationship too.

(And yes, I realise these are the things probably going on in Don's head too at the moment)

I'm just thinking out loud here (and actually getting turned on too - oops!), but there could be other ways to deal with these issues. We could do it in our D/s roles. If I had a meet with someone else, and came home to a punishment from Don, that may help the both of us... maybe? And vice versa, if he had a meet with someone else, and gave me a task to do while he was gone, or came home and humiliated me with tales of what had happened, would that make me feel safer or would it fuck my mind up?
I mean, my pussy's twitching at the fantasy of Don cruelly telling me what a fantastic shag he'd just had, while he treated me like a piece of meat, but in reality, I wonder if I could take it for what it is, or would it make me feel completely insecure?

Oh I don't know. I'm going to go and play with myself. Much more fun than all this thinking!

everything changes

2007-06-21T00:56:00.000Z

Been awfully quiet around here, I know. There's just been too much going on. Some stuff I can't find the words for, and other stuff I don't even understand, and loads of stuff that I simply haven't had the time to write about.

Not because I've been getting constantly and thoroughly shagged, though. If only.

I seem to be going through a period of change... and it's proving difficult. Over the last few months my attitude has started to change; towards swinging, towards my relationship, towards alot of things that aren't even anything to do with sex. I seem to be a bit more level-headed than usual. Still capable of losing it on occasion, obviously, but somewhere along the line I've started to learn that sometimes it helps to look at the bigger picture. I've even - once or twice - managed to deflect an argument, and I don't think that's ever happened before.
I think it's fair to say that the book I've been reading (that interestingly, I bought over four years ago, before I'd even met Don) - The Ethical Slut - has had something to do with that. Lots of really good stuff in there about owning your feelings and being responsible for them... I would recommend it to anyone, swingers or not.
What I want from swinging has, unsurprisingly, changed rather alot too... we came into this wanting to fulfil a few fantasies. But as I get to thinking about my life before Don, and the way I invariably feel in long-term relationships, the more I realise that I was swinging (or trying to, anyway) way before I even had a name for it. It's taking me some time, but I'm starting to get it now. I still want to make fantasies come true, but it's much more than that these days... perhaps it always was.
Here's the thing; I never have and I never would cheat on anyone - but monogamy just isn't for me. No matter how much I love someone (like Don, for example), I still want others, and I still get bored. Don asked me the other day if I wanted an open relationship, and at this point in time, on some level, I think that maybe I do. I am definitely starting to feel like I'm more suited to that then "forever and ever, and forsaking all others". I don't think I'm capable of it, to be honest. But I would probably be more capable of forever and ever if I didn't have to forsake all others as well.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I want more than just an occasional threesome now. I mean, they're great fun and I definitely still on the agenda, but I want something else too. I want to be allowed to have chemistry with someone else and not feel guilty about it, and I want to be able to meet them on my own if Don isn't so keen (for whatever reason).

Maybe at this juncture I should confess that things have been complicated and brought to a head by me being attracted to someone online that I'd really like to meet even though Don isn't really interested. And maybe that isn't fair on him, and maybe I'm being selfish/asking too much, maybe it's completely normal, I don't know ...but I can't help it either way.

And the the idea of Don or anyone dictating to me who I can and can't swing with really, really bothers me. It all feels too rigid, too cold, too... forced. So you see, it's all a bit fucked up at the moment. We have talked about "it" a fair bit, but we don't seem to go anywhere but round and round in circles. Don said something interesting the other night though.
"I wouldn't mind so much if there was something you wouldn't do"... perhaps I should question him about this further, in case it's relevant somehow?

the dirty boots

2007-06-12T11:21:00.001Z

messages

2007-06-09T13:44:00.000Z

One of the things that really gets on my nerves about the internet swinging scene is the messages we receive from those ever-so-lovely single men. Nine times out of ten they are unimaginative one-liners, that neither impress or inspire us. We don't expect literary works of art, but if anyone wants to fuck me or Don, I expect a little bit more effort than:

"hi sexy, wanna hav sum fun"

"u r well fit, would luv to fuck u"

"add me to msn"

"i am VWE and would satisfy you allllll night"

Sometimes there is a cock shot attached to the message, too, which is all very well and good, but pics of cocks don't do all that much for me, to be honest. I like to see the whole picture. How can I tell if it's 4 inches or 8 inches if I can't see it in context? Not that size matters all_that_much, but 4 inches is going to be a bit small, heh. And I'm interested in the whole body; I want to see how hairy they are, how toned and tanned they are, if they have any nasty scars that are going to put me off, what their face looks like... That was one of things that endeared me to Simon; the fact that he sent a full face/body/cock pic. Why do men think a cock shot and a one-liner is going to work? Does it ever?
The kind of message that gets an "I'm interested" type of reply from me is when they tell me a little bit of what they are about (sexually and otherwise), and what they are after (apart from the blatantly obvious). Flirting is fine... being a bit cheeky is fine too, and if there's a glimmer of humour and/or honesty in there as well then that's even better. And if I can see photos as mentioned above, then they are halfway there. It's not so difficult is it?
I know it must be hard for men (excuse the pun) as the supply of them far outstrips the demand, so they get knocked back more times than they pull, but surely that's even more reason to make a bit of effort?
And for the guys who really can't write something imaginative, insightful, or even vaguely interesting, then maybe you need something like this form, which although not original, is rather more amusing than "i want to lick ur pussy". You never know, you might even get a reply. ;)

wishlist

2007-05-31T13:19:00.000Z

It's not that I've had nothing to write about - in fact, the complete opposite is true. There is too much to write about - I have so many things rattling around in my head that trying to convert them to the written word has completely eluded me recently.
So, it's time for a list (no doubt the first of many), because lists are easy, and sometimes they even help me to make sense of my own marbles. So here, in no particular order, are the things I would love to do with Don. A wishlist, if you like.

I'd love to be a gangbang girl, and be fucked in every hole, repeatedly. I'd like this to be filmed too (mind you, I'd like everything to be filmed, heh - if only so I can recount it all properly the next day!)
A bukkake shower is another thing I want to try... just for the pure filth of it. I haven't always liked that idea, but now it's one of my hottest fantasies. With Don as the director. Mmm.
I want to watch Don with another woman. I have no idea until it happens how I'm going to feel, but I so want to know. We've played with this idea a couple of times during sex, and at least once I was stuck somewhere between maddening excitement, and terrifying jealousy. My stomach churned while my pussy wept, and it was such a peculiar rush.
I'd like to be with a woman again. It's been so long since I was that I am actually worried that when I do get that chance I'm going to find I've grown out of it, if that makes any sense? Mind you, the other day a very sexy guy sent us a photo of his (very sexy) wife wearing a strap-on under her unzipped trousers, and my first thought was "oh my God, yes", so maybe I haven't grown out of it afterall... (I'll probably expand on this at some point)
I'd love love love to see Don in action with another guy... probably more than I want anything else at the moment. I really think if and when that happens, Don and I will reach a new level of intimacy... hard to explain why, but I know what I mean (another one to expand one at a later date).
For years I've wanted to have some professional erotic/fetish photos taken, and this still stands. I do have a friend who is a professional photographer, and he's offered his services for free... he is, however, in Paris, and very busy indeed.
Dual domination.... thought about it often, had one experience of it; an experience that wasn't altogether pleasant, if I'm honest. I mean, it was fine at the time, but during the days and weeks that followed I was very low. I was single then though, and it was really the lack of aftercare that upset me the most. I'd love to try it again now my circumstances are different.
There are so many d/s scenes I'd like to try or repeat with Don, but one of the top ones has to be a bit of pet-play. Had a little dabble in the past.... highly humiliating, and really, really challenging, but the rewards were so worth it.
More DP, and more spitroasts! I can't emphasise this enough, as it really was so hot. And as the memories fade with each passing day, I become more and more eager to experience it again.
I'd like to go to a swinging club. I'm really curious about them, but unfortunately not quite brave enough yet, I don't think. Mainly because I wouldn't really know what to wear to such a place, and I'm not all that comfortable (yet) with the idea of walking about starkers, or in nothing more than a towel.

I could go on, but I think that's quite enough to be getting on with for now! The thing that surprises me and delights me the most of course is that all these things are real possibilities, and not just idle fantasies anymore. What a difference a few months make, eh?

scratch and burn

2007-05-15T15:46:00.000Z

You fasten my cuffs to my wrists and ankles, and order me onto the floor, where I immediately feel small.
"Come on" you say as you start to walk across the room. So I crawl behind you for the first time, head down, nervous of what's to come. You lead me to your laptop, which is open, until my face is about 7" from the screen. My mind is racing, screaming, scared that you are going to humiliate me on cam. My cunt is wet, and my heart is beating faster than it has in a while. You pull my knickers down to my knees and click. A gangbang porno appears in front of my eyes. I feel suddenly very shy, too embarrased to look.
"Look! Look at her! Look at her taking all that cock" You pull my head up by my hair and force me to watch what I do not want to see.
"She's a dirty fucking slut... and you're a dirty fucking slut too, aren't you?"
I whimper.
"Aren't you".
"Yes" I am hesitant and quiet.
"Tell me what you are"
I whimper again, and as the words "I'm a dirty fucking slut" fall from my lips I feel... bad? Shameful? I don't know. My face is flushed, my manner is flustered.
"That's what you want, isn't it? What she's got: all that cock, fucking all of your holes... isn't it, slut"
I do. You know I do. But you want me to say it, and right now I'm struggling to completely reveal myself to us both.
"Yes, I want it". I say it quickly, foolishly thinking more speed will mean less humiliation.
The laptop is resting on a unit, in which there is a drawer.... the knob of which is level with my mouth.
"Open the drawer... with your teeth". So I open my mouth and hold the drawer knob between my teeth, and pull it gently, slowly out. Inside, I see a dozen or so fully sharpened pencils. My mind races again, but before I really have time to think, you order me to pick one up, again with my teeth. I do as you say, and you take it from me.
"Good girl, now keep watching the slut getting fucked, just like you were the other night. You loved it, didn't you, you dirty cock-sucking whore"
I manage a quiet, embarrassed "yes", but suddenly that isn't good enough for you. Your mouth is close to my ear, and you say to me"yes, what?"
I panic. Yes, what? I don't know! I don't know what I'm supposed to say? The natural thing for me to say is "Sir", but I don't know if I can. I've never called you "Sir" before, and I'm scared that you will laugh at me for getting it wrong, or mock me for thinking it in the first place.
"I don't know", I wail pathetically.
"You do know, and if you don't know, guess... yes, what?"
I have to say something. So I say it. "Yes, Sir". My humiliation is growing by the minute, and while it burns in my face and churns in my stomach, you know this is what I crave. On the screen in front of me, the gangbang girl continues to take all the cock she can.
"That's right! Now I'm going to punish you for being a filthy fucking slut."
And then I feel something sharp digging and scratching it's way into my ass-cheeks.
"D -i-r-t-y"... I feel the sharp nib of the pencil scrawl the letters into my skin, and it hurts.
You make me spell out the word slut, and I struggle with it like a small child might.
As the letters are said, you etch them onto my ass, making me wince, making tears form in my eyes.
Then I hear a lighter being lit, and I start to panic even more than I already was. What the fuck? Are you going to burn me with a cigarette, or something? I really want to look, but I daren't. Not that I have to wonder what's coming for long as I soon feel something hot dripping onto my already sore ass, and I know it's wax. I remember it well. You are completely unforgiving tonight, although you give me the option of ending the scene with the words "please stop, Sir" - words I can't bear to say, words that get stuck in my throat even when I'm sure my skin is blistering up beneath the wax. So I cry instead, and struggle to get in a place where the pain is pleasurable. That doesn't happen tonight - but I think that's your intention, isn't it?
The porno is still playing, and I'm still looking at it through watery eyes, but I'm not paying attention anymore. Everything around me has faded. Everything that is, except you.

double trouble

2007-05-13T10:57:00.000Z

After much preening, procrastinating and panicking, on Friday night we went to meet a guy who we'll call Simon. To say I was nervous is a massive understatement, although to be fair I was rather more nervous about meeting him than I was about fucking him. All the usual things I worry about dashed through my head; will he like me?, will I like him?, does my bum look big in this?, do I look too much of a slut?, am I ugly?, how many condoms will I need?, will he be disappointed? Don settled my nerves a little by insisting that "nobody would be disappointed with you", but he has to say that - he's my boyfriend ;)

As soon as we met him, my nerves went. Simon was quite shy, and nervous, and that in itself gave me more confidence. I kissed him on the cheek, and tried to make him feel more comfortable... I think he was worried about overstepping the line, and upsetting Don, which I could understand and to be honest, really appreciated. We didn't want a cocky bloke full of machismo and disregard for Don, and he wasn't like that at all.
So after a few drinks at the bar, we made our way back to the motel together, slightly inebriated, for our first ever MMF threesome. Simon wanted to join us in a bit, so we went to our room, put some music on, and prepared for an experience that we'd never forget. When he joined us, we were all sat on the bed, chatting and drinking. Simon was still nervous, and I knew I'd have to make the first move on him, so I leant forward and kissed him on the mouth.
Don immediately moved behind me, lifted my dress, and started to lick my already wet pussy. My hand made it's way to Simon's groin, and I could feel the stiffness under his jeans.
"Suck his cock, Mia", Don said from inbetween my thighs, and within seconds that's exactly what I was doing. He pushed my head down onto his cock, and started fucking my mouth, while Don was still lapping at my cunt. I still had my dress on at this point, and asked them to help me get it off, as I wanted to be as naked as they suddenly were. With my dress off, the mood quickly became hotter, and Don started to fuck me from behind as Simon continued to make me gag on his cock. By now I was so horny, so wet, so uninhibited and moaning so loudly as they spitroasted me, that someone knocked on our door! We ignored it though - there was no way any of us were stopping, or quietening down.
After a while, the guys swapped positions, and I found Don's familiar cock in my mouth, and Simon behind me. He ran a finger along my glistening slit, spat on it, and in one hard thrust had his cock deep in my cunt. I could feel my orgasm building, I could feel my head becoming cloudy,and I could feel myself letting go completely as both of them took me hard, and in any way they liked.
"Fuck him you dirty fucking whore" breathed Don, and that served to make me start coming like a train. I don't remember the exact order of things after that; I was a complete slave to my own depraved lust from then on, and there was absolutely nothing they couldn't have done to me. I just wanted to be used, and used is exactly what I was.
I was slapped in the face and on the tits. Don spanked my arse . I was fucked deep, hard and fast in every hole, in every position, and called a number of names, every one of which sent bolts of sexual electricity through me.
Being trapped between two hot horny men was exquisite. So many times I've dreamed about it, and now here I was, really doing it. I don't think I can even find the words to describe how I felt when Simon was in my cunt and Don was in my arse, and I was finally getting my long wished for DP. I felt... complete. Validated. Full. Disgusting. My fantasies hadn't done it justice, really. I mean, the brain is the largest sex organ we have, but I was fucked out of mine that night like never, ever before.
So much so that after about two hours of it, when Don was lapping at my sopping wet and well stretched cunt, and my lips were round Simon's balls, I squirted in Don's mouth for the first time ever. I didn't even know until he told me; that's how zoned out I was.
My only regrets are that I didn't get to feel two cocks in the one box, and that we didn't film it. But there's always next time. And that can't come quick enough.

2007-05-10T18:28:00.000Z

I have been a bad girl recently, I know that. I have argued with you, and thrown tantrums, and you're right, I haven't been very submissive at all. I've been awful, and jealous, and I've tried to blame you for all the internal pain I've felt. I've been selfish, and I feel so ashamed of myself for not holding onto my emotions, and for demanding explanations and reassurance.

What was I thinking? I don't know.

I know it's hard for both of us to adjust to a different power balance than we've been used to. And I know I've made it even harder after my appalling behaviour of late. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't. All I can do is feel terribly ashamed of myself, and apologise to you. I should be trying to make things easier for you, and that's exactly what I'm going to do from now on.

I don't know how far you want to go, but I want to go all the way.

I want you to use me, treat me, fuck me, hurt me, take me, humiliate me in any way you see fit. I don't want this control. I don't want any control. I want you to take it. All of it. And if I say "no", don't listen to me. Please. I know that I shouldn't say no to you, but sometimes when I'm scared, upset, insecure I say it anyway. I don't mean it though, and even if I do, so what? You have the control, not me. I'm your slut and your toy; here for your enjoyment and amusement.

This will amuse you.

Today, I've had the wettest cunt. I've thought about what we talked about last night; about you doing the online correspondence with regards to other partners. I've decided I'd really really like that. I want you to take control of it all. And if you want to flirt, be dominant or otherwise, then so be it. You decide who fucks who, and how. Nothing would make me happier.

(That lady I like is online right now, and I really want to ask her if she'll talk to you instead of me.)

I fucked myself with one of my new boots today. I imagined that the girl you were chatting to on messenger was in our bedroom. I imagined she was wearing my new boots. I imagined that I begged her to let me rub my cunt against them. She let me, but was laughing at me as I rubbed the toe of her boot into my sopping wet hole, and fucked it. While I was on the floor, with her boot in my cunt, you and her were on the bed. You were kissing her tits. She was moaning, and telling me to make the most of it, because I wouldn't be fucking anything else that night.
After I'd come all over her boot, she made me lick it clean. And when I'd finished, you tied me naked to a chair in the corner of the room, with my legs spread, and hands behind my back. And then you went back to the bed. You ate her out, and sucked her tits. You fucked every one of her holes, and throughout it all you both made me feel helpless and humiliated and jealous and horny. You tormented me, and to be honest, it hurt me like it was real. But I came over and over again, and I couldn't stop at all - the cum was pouring out of me like water from a tap, and just thinking about the emotional pain made me come even more.

I'm almost too embarrassed to post this. But I'm going to anyway. Fuck it.

power struggle

2007-05-09T11:41:00.000Z

I admit, there are so many people on the horizon right now that I'm confused, and even with all these people on the horizon, there's still been no action! How frustrating! I mean, it's exciting too, but these long chats on msn, and the hundreds of messages that have been sent back and forth are starting to wear me down a bit.

My fantasies were nothing like this! There were no introductions, chats, emails, photos or arrangements to be made. There wasn't distance to consider, or accommodation. There also wasn't the chance of them becoming a reality, which although a bit hazy and unconfirmed as yet is definitely getting closer. So I'm not complaining; I just hope that all this effort is worth it. I hope it will be as erotic and deliciously horny as it's been in my head all these years.

Last night, we were talking to another new guy; a guy who is much much different from all the others we've spoken to. A submissive, bisexual (curious?) guy who's nine years younger than us, and cute as fuck! Really pretty face and a sweet personality (so far!) - it's quite refreshing after all the machismo. The conversation did raise a few issues for me though (again), which resulted in a row (again) that could've been avoided had Don given me some reassurance.

I've been a bit up and down lately - lack of sex, lack of games, all this correspondence and frustration - it's all been playing havoc with my emotions. I'm feeling a bit insecure, a bit nervous about the imbalance between us that I can't quite place but can definitely feel...

Actually maybe I can place it. I think it probably comes down to experience, and the fact that I've had alot more of it than Don. He doesn't really understand my submission, or how far it goes, because his dominance isn't as rooted in him - yet. If he'd been exploring it for the last two decades he probably would understand. Unfortunately neither of us can change this; we can't condense a sexual journey that spans twenty years into a three month crash course.
Although it would be a damn sight easier if I was the Top and he was the Bottom. I could lead him, then. I could (and would) surround him with it, just like Jay did to me all those years ago. But it's so hard for me to know how to lead him from the bottom, or even if I should try to. But something inside me wants to, because that same something wants to have my submissiveness recognised and nurtured, and pushed to it's absolute limits.
I wish Don knew other Tops. Or read their blogs, or something.
It doesn't help that for the first three years of our relationship we had a vanilla relationship. Last night Don said I wasn't being very submissive. I think he said this because I was arguing with him, which in itself sets off alarm bells, because submissiveness isn't the same as passiveness.

But other than that, it's got me thinking (again) about whether I have been as submissive towards him as I could be, and I guess the answer to that is no. This guy last night however was very submissive towards him from the off... calling him Sir, and stuff. I've never called Don Sir, not because I won't or don't want to, purely because he's never told me to. Should I take the initiative more? Doesn't that kind of warp the whole power balance if I'm acting how I want to rather than how he wants me to? And even if I acted the way I want to act with him, it's still not the same as him dominating me.
And I want it so bad. I've been quite deep into this and it's gone way way beyond the bedroom; I've had rules to go by (things like having to shave, wear make up, write in a diary and "present" myself every day, plus other rules about general behaviour), tasks to complete (photos, housework, masturbation, stories, etc...), I've had alot of training that's seen me being denied orgasms, intimacy and privacy, and too many other things to list here that have allowed these Tops to mentally, physically, and sexually dominate me. And I've got kicks out of every depraved minute of it. Even when Jay used to make me kneel on the floor in the corner of the room when I did something wrong (which I'm ashamed to say was quite often), and wouldn't allow me to speak to or look at him, I loved it. Because I knew my place, and I knew that if I just did as I was told, I'd be his good girl again.
I want all that and more with Don. I love him so much and I'm so wide open to him that at the moment it feels a little bit like I'm giving him a mile, and he's taking an inch. It's not really his fault, but it still bloody hurts. And now there's this guy who I know Don is going to dominate far easier than he has me, simply because he's coming into it incredibly submissive - something I never had the opportunity to do.
I don't know what to do. The scenarios we were talking about last night were so hot that I really want them to happen, but I don't want to feel jealous, and to be honest I already do, a little bit.

glass

2007-05-04T12:48:00.000Z

Yesterday, after reading a couple of femme-domme blogs, I finally reached the apex of sexual frustration. I couldn't wait a moment longer to try my new glass dildo, and my pussy was throbbing with anticipation as I locked myself in the bedroom with it, ready to bring this rather annoying drought to an end.
How to describe the sensation of smooth, hard, heavy glass sliding in and out of me though... it was exquisite. It reached deep inside me - deeper than any other vibrator I've owned, and because of it's weight, I could really feel it push against the inner walls of my sex. It warmed up as I did, and felt completely gorgeous as it became as hot as me. Unfortunately, because I was so frustrated and so eager to come, I made a silly mistake and went for the clit-stimulator too. As I fucked myself with my new toy, I switched the stim on, rubbed it over my clit, and within about a minute, it was all over. It was one of those orgasms that rushes out of you so fast it almost feels like you've been robbed of it. No sooner had I felt it coming, it had gone, and all I was left with were the aftershocks that shuddered through my body, as I lay there with the dildo still inside me. So I didn't get to enjoy it for as long as I would've liked, but it was delicious anyway, and has brought a sense of calm to me... for a little while at least ;)

head games

2007-05-02T15:46:00.000Z

We haven't had sex since last Thursday - and I'm gagging for it now. Because apart from arguing at the weekend, I also got my period. And as kinky as I am, I have my limits, and sex when I'm on is crossing the line. It's not just the mess, although I hate the sight of blood - it's also the embarrassment. Whether or not I should be embarrassed by this is irrelevant; the fact is I am. I think there are some things your partner shouldn't see, and that's one of them.
So I've had a self-imposed dry-spell. We did have some unusual play the other night though that wasn't technically sex, as it didn't involve either my pussy or my arse, but was really hot anyway. Don was playing with my face - holding it in his hands and kissing it, licking it, spitting into my mouth, biting my lip, and my neck. He was all over it, dominating it the way he normally would my cunt, and although it was weird it was also incredibly intimate.
He wasn't saying anything, and he usually does when we're playing, but the lack of words seemed to add to the experience in this instance, and I zoned out completely. And how I love zoning out - going into that little place where conscious thought is replaced by sensation, and where nothing exists apart from our energy. I always find it hard trying to describe it, but it's like floating (or sometimes flying); giving up control paradoxically makes me feel so free. In those states, I have been known to come without any vaginal or anal stimulation - in fact I have been known to come without being touched at all, and the other night was no different. It wasn't an orgasm that shuddered through me, but a gentle wave that washed quietly over me, and it was really quite delicious. Comforting, even.

But that was the other night, and I really need a good hard fuck now. I could release some frustration; I have a new glass dildo that I haven't tried yet, and a stainless-steel butt-plug as well, and I'm really eager to try them both. But I seem to be teasing myself, because despite plenty of opportunities to play with them, I haven't - preferring instead to just think about it. I've never had the pleasure of playing with glass, but I can imagine the weight and the coolness and the absolute stiffness sliding in and out of me, and I imagine it will become my favourite toy once I've used it. It's so pretty, so hard, so heavy and so smooth that just looking at it makes my pussy tingle.
The butt-plug is more for decorative purposes, but I look forward to adorning my asshole with a jewel, and wearing it like I might wear any other type of jewellery. The thought of having it inside me when I'm chatting with friends, or shopping for groceries thrills me but again, I'm more than happy to just tease myself with the idea for now.

I'm not going to last much longer, though.

role reversal

2007-04-30T16:30:00.000Z

Because of my naturally very submissive nature, I have never been at all interested in cuckold. I've never been aroused by it; I've never even tried to be. I like my men strong, and dominant. I don't like my men being submissive, "weak", or humiliated. But for some reason, I keep on thinking about it lately, and wondering what it's like. Obviously, I would never want to cuckold Don. Ever. But the idea has really gotten into my head anyway, and I can tell from the way my mind's working that it's going to flesh out into a fantasy soon. Just as soon as I've worked out the logistics... (It's a problem of mine. I can't do unrealistic fantasy - everything has to make sense.)

My interest started last week when I was reading Provocateur's blog post about a girl called "Mia" (not me!):

Only twenty minutes later and Mia’s client left. Quietly she made her way back and into her room. To the closet. She pinned the flowery fabric up on the doorframe.

Did you have fun, naughty boy? She asked me as she looked down at my still-throbbing cock. Her eyes were consummate sexual energy, filling me full of everything lascivious.

She said, I want to watch you stroke your cock. Come out here, on the bed.

And so into the yellow room I went, my pants barely on. I crawled onto the bed, kicking-off my shoes. I rolled onto my back and reached down for my cock as Mia made her way to my side.

Here was the great unknown: here I had flown by the Oort Cloud and I was exiting our solar system. Anything, absolutely anything could happen now. This could be my Big Bang.

Mia gently pulled my pants down further below my knees while I continued to stroke myself with my still-incoherent pleasure as my lubricant.

That’s a good boy, stroke that cock, she purred. I want to see what we did to you…

Sitting next to me, she coached me into a climax.

Now it's not unusual for me to be aroused by the thought of "forced" masturbation, but I've never even considered the idea of a girl doing it to a boy. I've never considered any form of male submissiveness, let alone be so turned on by the idea of it. But while my pussy throbbed inside my panties, my mind searched for a scenario where I could be her, where I could wield that sexual power over a man... And it scared me a little, to be honest.
But then a couple of hours later, I stumbled upon Rob and Jill, a site dedicated to "arousal and denial training", and yet again found myself in an unknown place in my mind, where nothing made sense. My pussy yet again betrayed my confusion by becoming wetter than a dewy morning, and yet again, I tried to imagine doing these things to a guy. Making him beg, making him wait... making him go without!

And then, with all this still fresh in my mind, I read the chapter in Swingers where a cuckold husband spoke of his humiliation, and "small, useless cock", and I practically came in my knickers.

I don't know why. I can't explain it at all. As I said, I could never even fantasise about doing this to Don; it simply wouldn't work. But could I do it to another man? Maybe.
Maybe I can dream up a cuckold lover whose cock isn't as beautiful as Don's. A lover that I can tease and taunt and make fun of. A lover who is only allowed to touch himself, when I say so, and never allowed to touch me. A lover who will basically adore me and get nothing from me apart from humiliation.

This fantasy will probably will be quite detailed because I myself crave humiliation and I'm very tuned into it. I haven't yet written about my humiliation fantasies here - some of them are too humiliating to share right now! None of them have involved the mockery of my body; I have too many body-image issues for that to be a safe place to play, but there is a scenario where I'd be restrained on the floor, while watching Don fuck another woman. It's this fantasy that includes me licking his cum out of her pussy. It wasn't put there as a desirable thing to do - in my mind, Don has ordered me to do that, and I'm still restrained on the floor as I lick her, with Don mocking me for being a cum-guzzling whore who has no pride, and no cock to fuck...

Hmm. Maybe my interest in cuckolded men isn't that surprising afterall. There are very definitely some similarities there, even if I don't have "a small useless cock". I don't know if I've heard of a female version of it, but there must surely be one?

afterthoughts

2007-04-30T15:27:00.000Z

As is often the way with these things, now I've had time to process everything in a more rational manner, I am ashamed of myself for the way I behaved at the weekend. That's not to say Don's perfectly absolved of blame, but I wish I hadn't acted the way I did. I feel like I've really let myself down. A small slightly sick part of my head actually wants it happen again so I can try and prove to myself that I am not that bad really.

So, I feel bad, but I still don't wish it hadn't happened. It gave us both a chance to pick up on a few issues and get them out in the open. Issues like the integrity of other people. There will always be women who get their kicks from screwing with other's boyfriends/husbands, and there will always be men who want a fast fuck anywhere they can get it. It's fact of life, and although it might seem a little odd to complain about this when we're talking about swinging, there's a big difference between joining a couple for sex and fun, and using it as an opportunity to score points. I don't trust those people, no matter how much I trust Don, or how secure I feel in our relationship.

Another issue Don touched on was the speed at which things have been happening. But what Don maybe doesn't realise is how much and how long I have yearned for a relationship where I can be truly me. I am submissive, I am a slut, and I am completely hedonistic, and now I finally have the chance to be all of those things, I want to be them. I don't think he understands how frustrated or confused I've felt over the years trying to pretend I can do vanilla relationships when it's quite obvious I can't. Trying to suppress desire instead of pursuing it has also been very very hard for me to bear. It's not that I've been trying to rush things... but I don't see the point in waiting.

And then of course there is probably the biggest issue of all, and that's my reaction the other night. Don wouldn't have reacted like that. He wouldn't have jumped the gun and imagined the worst. He wouldn't have flown into a rage, or been so suspicious.
I wish he had taken control of the situation. I wish he had used his dominance to bring me down to earth. I wish he had punished me in some way. I wish he would realise that the d/s extends out of the bedroom for me, that I am receptive to it all the time, that he could've bent me over the sofa, spanked me for being so bloody awful, and made me apologise. He could've made me watch their conversation in silence, he could've tied me to the chair and gagged me, he could've done many things to remind me of what's what. I'm not trying to shift blame, I know I'm responsible for me. But I just wish he wouldn't let me lose it like that.
He certainly has more control over me than I do.

incident report

2007-04-29T18:58:00.000Z

This is a very new world for us, and I don't expect it to run smoothly all the time - I know we'll make mistakes, and come across situations that we don't know the best way to deal with. I hope that on our way, we'll learn our lessons and become more able to deal with any difficulties that will undoubtedly arise.
Difficulties, for example, like the ones we've had this weekend.
Friday night, Don got caught up on Messenger with a couple, without telling me about it. More than that, only the female half of that couple were present, just as only the male half of this couple were. When I finally twigged what was going on behind_my_back, alarm bells went off in my head, and I hit the roof.

Yes, I was angry when it transpired that he was talking to only her, and yes, I was angry when I found out that she had been quite brazenly coming onto him, but the thing that really made me angry was the simple fact that he hadn't kept me informed. He hadn't told me who he'd given his email address to, and he hadn't told me when he signed into Messenger to talk to "them". I saw this as a breach of trust, especially as this is still so new to us. When we've spoken to single guys, we've done it together, and I naturally assumed the same would apply with couples too. I didn't expect him to take matters into his own hands, without me, and it was quite a shock for me to discover that he had, to be honest.

It made me wonder what his motives could be for this, and I jumped to the worst conclusion of all; that he quite fancied a little fun behind my back. My pride felt bruised, and my confidence slumped, and I reacted really badly. I lashed out at him because I didn't know how else to deal with this horrible fearful feeling that suddenly overwhelmed me; the fear that our relationship wasn't as good, or as tight as I thought it was.
I shouldn't jump to conclusions, and I feel foolish now that I did. But Don shouldn't be doing these things without me or my knowledge, certainly not this early on. We're just finding our way as a couple, and I haven't had a chance to get used to him interacting with women (or men) on this level yet, and certainly not when he does it in this way. There is no problem with trust at all if I'm fully involved, but I proved this weekend that I'm neither ready or able to cope with the idea of him going about things in this way in this realm.

I don't know if that will change. I don't even know if it's normal. I don't know if I lack trust, or if I was right to be angry; I just hope we don't have another weekend like this one anytime soon, because it's been awful.

mental

2007-04-25T15:13:00.000Z

Having one of those days today where I can't hold a single thought for longer than a moment, and where every thought I do have is sex-related and demanding more attention than I give it right now. My pussy, for those who are interested, is also demanding more attention than I can give it right now.
We haven't had sex since Sunday night... not because we haven't wanted to, but because we needed a bit of time to recover. We both have bruises all over the place, and I feel quite sensitive because of that, even now. Physically sensitive, yes, but emotionally sensitive too, just as I always do after being hurt/bruised/humiliated in the name of sexual ecstasy. My bruises need time to heal, but so does my mind; I need to be treated gently, softly, warmly, kindly after a particularly heavy session. But because I don't quite know how to ask for that yet, I instead retreat into my shell until I feel strong again.

The result of which being that we haven't had sex for nearly three whole days, and the result of that being that I can't get it off my mind. Not that I ever can anyway, but in these times of drought, it's even worse. Today being a prime example.

I've thought about going dogging and being fucked in front of strangers. I've imagined the thrilling prospect of spreading my legs wide open on the backseat of the car, and men watching while I masturbate. I've considered the so far elusive MMF threesome, and how good it must feel to be fucked by two men at once. I've concluded that I'm cock-hungry. I've had burning desires to make films and take a million photos of Don and others doing disgusting, unthinkable things to me. I've felt insanely envious of the women in this world who are already enjoying gangbangs. And I've totally un-nerved myself twice today by getting aroused over the idea of women dominating men - something that's never, ever appealed to me before.

By and large, I know my sexual mind. I know what works for me, what absolutely doesn't work for me, what my orientation is, and which fantasies I would like to take further. But sometimes, like today, it's proved to me once again that my sexual mind is non-conformist and in control, and I'm merely a slave to it.

Scary? Slightly. Hot as fire? Definitely.

i love u

2007-04-24T11:03:00.000Z

So it's been two months now since Don and I started this journey together; since I seduced his inner-perv out from wherever it had been hiding for far too long. In those two months, we've fucked more than we had in the 12 months previous to that, and we've fucked with enthusiasm last seen over three years ago, when we first met. We've discovered new things about each other, we've shared some fantasies, and fears, and had many "firsts" that 12 weeks ago would've been out of the question. It's incredible how much we've changed as a couple, and as individuals, in such a short space of time.
This isn't just a journey - it's a revelation.

I have long pondered the arguments for and against monogamy, and quite usually have found myself unhappy with the ties that monogamy brings. I have never cheated on any of my lovers, be they long or short term, but neither have I ever really found what I was looking for in a relationship that excludes all others. To be on the brink of sharing our bed with other people now not only makes me extra horny, it also makes me feel much closer to Don - an effect that I never expected at all. I find it ironic that in "letting go", and opening ourselves up to the idea of having other sexual partners I find myself more secure in our relationship than ever before. I feel safe. I don't feel jealousy, or anger, or any other negative emotion when Don flirts with another person. I feel excited for him, and very proud.

For my part, being able to celebrate the fact that I'm a slut, rather than keep it a dirty shameful secret liberates me like nothing else (except maybe bondage). But sucking that guys cock the other night wouldn't have been the same without Don there; him encouraging me and then watching me be a slut was far hornier for me than the act itself. Don't get me wrong; I loved every single second of the act itself, and I loved the attention, but. I love Don more.

And more and more and more.

aftershock

2007-04-23T20:37:00.000Z

It's unanimous; we both really enjoyed our dogging experience the other night, and are keen to do it again - this weekend if Don has his way. We talked about taking it further, maybe as far as me being spitroasted. We talked about watching other people, and the possibility of a woman sucking Don off just like I did to that guy the other night. We talked about lots of scenarios, every one of them delicious, and all completely do-able, circumstances prevailing.
What I love about it most of all is the accessibility of such filthy sex. This isn't picking a guy up in a bar, letting him buy you a few drinks and then taking him home for a quick romp. This is instant gratification and made from the same stuff that people's fantasies are made of; threesomes, gangbangs, sex with strangers, voyeurism, exhibitionism... the list goes on. I think I'm hooked already, and I've only been once!

Needless to say, all this talk made us feel really horny. We spent a little time on iVideochat, during which Don licked my pussy out and fucked me, much to my vocal delight. It was fun; I do love making men rock hard for me. But I have to be honest - dogging pisses all over webcam fun. Still, like I said, it was fun and not without an orgasm, so I'm not complaining.

When we went to bed later though - oh wow. I don't know what happened to our sexual energy last night, but the sex we had was violent and rough... rougher and more violent than I've ever had, if I'm truthful. It started as pure hot passion, but it ended with him fucking my arse really hard, holding his hand round my throat, slapping me and spitting in my face.
I begged him to spit in my face.
Just writing about it is turning me on; I've never been treated like that in bed, and I was always so sure, due to my history, that I would never go for it, but ever since he first slapped me on the face during sex, I've wanted him to do it again. And he did, several times. But that wasn't enough; I wanted more humiliation, more domination, and spitting was the most humiliating thing I could think of. And it had exactly the effect that I was after: it turned me into a quivering submissive whore, and it turned Don into a controlling beast who ripped my knickers and fucked me so hard and deep and brutally that I'm still trying to recover now.

We both are, in fact.

dogged

2007-04-22T19:37:00.000Z

I was dressed the part on Friday night, afterall. Fishnets, suspenders, black dress and thigh-high boots was exactly the right type of slutty look I was after, and I'm so pleased I made the effort... for that night we got our dogging badge!

After a few drinks in the pub, we drove down the lane, and parked in a lay-by. With Arctic Monkeys playing on the CD changer, we made a joint, and were strangely relaxed as we sat in a "deserted" lane, in the dead of the night, with the express intention of doing something "naughty". I felt no apprehension whatsoever; it was almost like I'd done it before, even though I haven't. I mean, I've made out in parked cars down lovers lane, and even had full-blown sex, but never with an audience, and although we couldn't see an audience as yet, we hoped one would materialise once we'd put the interior light on.
And it did!
The central-locking was enabled, the light was on, and within moments I was bent over Don, my arse facing the passenger window, and releasing his semi from his jeans. Taking it in my mouth, he lifted up my dress, exposing the bare flesh of my arse-cheeks, and very shortly after was whispering that there men at my window, wanking themselves off.
I looked round, but couldn't really see anything other than a vague outline of a man's lower torso and exposed cock... it was so surreal it was almost like I'd dreamt it. I went back to work on Don's cock that was rock-hard by now, and as I sucked deliriously on it, he was arousing my pussy even further and spanking my arse, much to the delight of the onlookers.

"They're giving me the thumbs up", laughed Don as he grew closer and closer to orgasm. I wished I could've seen more closely what was going on outside the car, but it was so dark, and I currently had my head buried in Don's lap, anyway. The next time I came up for breath, I saw a cock at the driver window, only a sheet of glass separating it from my face. I could've exploded with joy, then. To his left, I saw another guy, also with his cock out, and after stroking the window longingly, went back to finish off Don. It was such a turn on to know so many men were watching me be a slut, and appreciating it.
After Don had unloaded his hot cum into my hungry mouth, he said I could give the guy at his window a hand-job, but no sooner had I taken his cock in my hand than Don whispered to me to suck it.
And I did, with no second thoughts at all. In fact, it seemed the most natural thing to do, and it didn't phase me at all. Don spanked my arse hard, calling me a slut, while I leant across him with this stranger's cock in my mouth, and it wasn't long before the guy was shooting his load while everyone else looked on.
Can I be honest at this juncture?
I could've gone on all night. Nothing would've made me happier than to suck everyone's cock; to be so free of inhibitions is something I always strive for but very rarely get the opportunity to fulfil, and this was magnificent. Knowing people were watching me be a slut was probably the biggest kick for me; it's all part of that humiliation thing I love so very much. The quantity of cock in the vicinity all aimed at me was another trigger, and being allowed to enjoy a little of it was something I am so very grateful to Don for.
I spat out the guy's spunk, and kissed Don on the mouth, letting him taste what I had just been tasting moments earlier, then we drove off into the night, vowing to return again one day.

Looking back on it now, it's the hottest thing I've done in a very long time, and I feel a very warm sense of satisfaction that we've had the courage to act out our fantasy, and find that we enjoy the reality just as much. Next time though, I'd like to watch too, I think... and if Don wanted to interact with another man or woman, I'd be up for that too.

Right now though, I'm up for anything and everything. I feel so confident, so sexy, and so slutty that nothing could phase me at the moment. Try me ;)

cars

2007-04-20T12:30:00.000Z

So last night we talked about the prospect of us going dogging tonight. Don is a little more apprehensive than I am; a little bit nervous about being watched so closely, a bit wary that ugly old men who might be watching will put him off, and more than a little concerned that the fear will give him the flop. Bless.
They're all perfectly valid fears, and fears that I've had myself to some extent or another, and while neither of us have ever done this before, I found myself trying to reassure him. I'm not nervous about being watched - I'm a complete show-off and quite look forward to exposing myself from inside the car. I've been leered at enough times by men of all shapes, sizes, and ages to not really be phased by the idea of "ugly old men" watching. As long as they get hard watching me, I'll be happy, because there is nothing more satisfying for me than being able to turn a man on.
Whether we'll roll the window down, and whether I give out any hand-jobs is another matter entirely though, and not one I care to commit to at the moment. Because I might be more brave than Don is right now, but I'm quite aware that the idea of wanking off anonymous men is alot easier than the reality of it will be, as that will obviously involve an element of danger.

But to be honest, my biggest fear right now is not getting to the shops in time to pick up a suitable little black dress and maybe some new lingerie, as even if there is no dogging action, we're still going to be spending a sleazy night in some sleazy motel, and I want to look the part.

Photos will hopefully be forthcoming. As will Don ;)

All this talk of dogging had really turned Don on and he started kissing me really hard, urgently forcing my lips apart with his tongue and raping my mouth with his. It wasn't long before my jeans were on the floor, and Don was between my thighs, eating me out with two fingers thrusting in and out of my by now soaking wet pussy. So wet that there were squelching noises emanating from it as Don continued to finger fuck me. Then he spat on my cunt and with no effort at all, slid his whole fist into my hole and fucked me again, this time harder and deeper, while I rubbed my clit furiously. It's been a while since he's fisted me, and I could feel an orgasm building quickly, and as I got closer and closer, Don whispered to me "I'm going to stick two fingers in your arse now, Mia, you dirty fucking whore", and I remember moaning with embarrassment for being so full, but so hungry for more. But by now the orgasm was closer than ever, twisting and turning and coursing through my body finding it's way to the hot wet centre of my sex, and I had no control as I came hard all over Don's submerged hand.
Now fully stretched and absolutely dripping with lust, he replaced his hand with his cock and fucked me until he was on the brink of exploding and then whipped his cock out and came all over my tummy.

If that happens in the car tonight, it's going to need a good clean after, because that was the wettest sex we've had in ages. Wet, hot, and absolutely fistingly delicious.

in my head

2007-04-19T17:47:00.000Z

Well. Where to start.

First of all, a little bit of me is regretting that email I sent to the other guy. I'm gutted that I came *this* close and then destroyed it with one little email. Well, he deserved the email, but y'know; maybe I should've kept my mouth shut until Saturday morning, heh.
But nevermind - plenty more dogs on the loose. Ugly, smelly, dirty dogs mostly, but one can hope that isn't all there is...

The most likely candidate at the moment is a guy who lives in our town, but I'm a bit concerned that he's more after Don's arse than he is mine, and I don't know how I feel about that to be honest. Maybe I'm being selfish? Don must explore whatever he wants to explore and as I started all this I should probably be more encouraging and less sulky about the prospect of taking second stage to him... I do afterall intend on taking centre stage at some point in the future. Maybe not this week, but soon.

He asked me again last night what_it_is_that_I_want, and I struggled to tell him. And the reason for that is that I'm not sure. I want a girl to join us, and I want a guy to join us; what happens beyond that point though is all quite blurry. If there was going to be any D/s, then I'd love two men to dominate me. I have had fantasies of a woman dominating me alongside Don, but I don't know that I want it to be a reality... not yet anyway. I think I'd much prefer another subby slut like myself who will do as Don tells her... that gets me hotter than fire. I don't know how I feel about submissive men; I wouldn't like to see Don dominated (or at least I don't think I would, although the idea is interesting), and I wouldn't ever want to dominate a man (or a woman) myself, but maybe if Don made this non-existent guy do certain things to me/with me, then I think I would definitely like that. Alot. That said though, I think I could maybe manage without any D/s in a threesome; hopefully I would be rather preoccupied to notice it wasn't there ;)

In other news, I took a few photos today.

mood swings

2007-04-18T22:42:00.000Z

Maybe I'm paranoid, maybe I'm too demanding, maybe I'm not hot/sexy/confident enough and giggled too much on the phone last night, but for whatever reason, last night my radar picked the Other Guy out as being a bit of a bullshitting chancer and he gave me a really bad vibe that I immediately responded to with a cold a brutal shoulder.

Whoops.

On the positive side of things though, we've still got the room booked for Friday night in a motel near a (hopefully) popular dogging spot. So maybe everything's not completely lost just yet.
But it must be said, I'm feeling a little... deflated about the whole thing now. A couple of nights ago I was thinking "yeh!", and now I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting my time.

Maybe I'm just having a bad day.

boys

2007-04-17T18:28:00.000Z

So we're on a dogging site, replying to random messages from sixty million and three single men (sigh) with the invariable "no thanks", when we had a pleasant surprise in the form of a single man (hold the sigh) who looked alright and seemed to have some degree of personality/charm.

I have discovered that this is a very rare thing amongst single men. Hence why they're single, probably. So we had a good chat with him on the ole messenger and made provisional arrangements to meet him for a threesome... this weekend!

I don't mind admitting that I am so nervous I feel sick. Yes, I'm excited, and the prospect of finally getting real DP is too delicious to describe, but ohmygod I can't bear the tension. I hate meeting people under these internet-imposed circumstances; it gives me too much time to think and that leads to me feeling bad about myself. I've 'known' (and I use the term loosely) this guy 5 minutes and I'm already concerned that I will fall short of the mark.
And I'm worried about the attire. Other Guy suggested it would be a good idea to wear something slutty/sexy to help put us all on the right track, but I really haven't got a clue on this occasion. I don't feel comfortable meeting in a pub dressed like a hooker. And I only do casual or hooker. Everything inbetween completely escapes me...

And like all that isn't enough, fucking hell! My brain just doesn't know how to process this whole two men thing. It's highly erotic in my mind, and I've had some great multiple orgasms off the back of that fantasy, but the idea of the fantasy becoming real has completely thrown me. I'm floored by the surreality of it all, as hot as it might be.

And I need to calm down.

curious

2007-04-14T23:06:00.000Z

Don, like me, had some interesting childhood experiences as far as sex is concerned. While I was being touched up by five or six boys in the cloakroom at school, he was on the school field playing with other boys' cocks, or something. He doesn't talk about it much - I guess because he already has and doesn't feel it's something he needs to repeat, but it turns me on when he does.

However, he's never really given any sign that he might like to pick up where he left off all those years ago. He's sometimes vaguely mentioned a possible interest, but it's never been anything I've taken seriously or pursued; but him coming out with the words "I'm bi-curious" has changed all that!

I fucking love watching men together, fucking (or blowing, or kissing, or anything remotely sexual at all), and I would probably dissolve into a puddle of steaming hot lust to see Don with another man.
It wasn't always like this though. I've always been keen on boy-boy porn, but I never used to fantasise about my lovers in this way. But I remember one day when I was particularly frustrated, and scrolling through my mental library of erotic scenarios, desperate for the one that would push my insatiable buttons, but none really did. However there was a brief glimpse of a scenario that kept showing itself, and every time it did, I pushed it away, because I was too scared to take a closer look. But I kept on glimpsing it, and as my frustration grew, my mental inhibitions collapsed, and I surrendered to the image in my minds eye; the image of Don with an ex of mine, both naked and getting it on big time. An image that became more animated as my pussy got wetter and wetter and I played harder and faster just as they were doing in my mind.
And ever since that particular orgasm, I haven't been scared since. In fact it's like a favourite well-thumbed book now.

So obviously, him making this bold announcement the other day has completely blown me away . My dreams of a MMF threesome don't seem so greedy when I know there could be extra physical pleasure in it for Don too, other than him seeing me being fucked by another man. I'm trying to refrain from being overly eager though, because I had the bi experience before I had the curiousity, so I'm not sure what it's like to be bi-curious, and I don't want to scare him off.
he might be excited, but I suspect he might also be a little nervous, a little apprehensive, a little bit scared. Obviously I could be completely wrong; he might be gagging for it, in which case so am I!

better luck next time

2007-04-13T19:48:00.000Z

Okay, so it seems that dogging isn't as straightforward as we previously thought. It also seems that where we went last night was not the hive of activity I had hoped for.

So last night, dressed in my hooker-style PVC mac, red undies, and black thigh-high boots, and all geared up for action, I sneaked out with Don under the cover of darkness for (hopefully) sex in front of strangers. We drove down to the the nearest spot, and around the whole area as much as our nerve would allow, and found nothing except a white Escort van that followed us/was going the same way as us - twice. (The adrenaline was certainly pumping then.)
As Don started driving home again, I remarked on how disappointed I felt, so we parked up for a little in-car entertainment. (For reasons I don't entirely understand, we have never done anything sexual in the car before. We have with other partners, but in the three years we've been together, it's never happened. Strange. Anyway.)
I knelt in my seat, with my arse pointing towards the passenger-side window, leant forward and took his semi in my mouth and sucked it to hardness. And then while he lifted my mac up, pulled my knickers to the side and fingered me, I brought him to climax and swallowed his load greedily. Because I'm a cum-guzzling slut I suppose ;) So we might not have had our first dogging experience, but at least he got his first ever blow-job in a car (!).

And then we drove home for a bit of the usual webcam fun.

Today, I've decided to try a new tactic regarding dogging/swinging and it is this: make more noise. And by that I mean on the internet, not in the bedroom! So much of the day has been spent replying to messages, sending messages, joining yet another site and chatting to a swinging guy who makes dildos! We had a nice chat actually, and it was good to talk to someone who's doing it and therefore has alot more bloody experience than we do and can maybe point us in the right direction!
And he makes very pretty glass dildos too.

Having said that, I doubt we'd swing with him even if the opportunity ever presented itself. Because today, in the midst of conversation about our new profile, Don boldly announced that he's "bi-curious", sending me slipping off the chair in moist delight.

More about that in the next post, probably.

nervous tension

2007-04-12T12:01:00.000Z

It's been a while since the last post - what can I say? I've been too busy shagging, drinking, and talking about shagging to actually find the time to blog about any of it. Me bad.

I am, however, back and determined to try and pick up where I left off.

So then, swinging. No joy at all so far; am starting to seriously doubt the effectiveness of personal ads (or maybe I'm doing it all wrong?). Plenty (well, a few) messages from single guys, and one or two from "mature" couples who live a million miles away. So I was seriously surprised today to receive a message from a very young twenty-something couple who are apparently willing to play together or separate... it's the most promising message we've had to date anyway, but the girl is only twenty-three! Pass the anti-ageing cream, quick!

In other news, we're currently psyching ourselves up to go and see if we can find any dogging action in the locale later tonight. And I don't mind telling you, I'm very fucking nervous indeed! Especially since discovering today there's been some police involvement recently where we were planning to go... only thing is I don't know if I'm more nervous about getting arrested or getting there and finding other doggers! Either way, my nerves have left me with very damp knickers ;)

Seriously, I do hope we have some luck tonight, even if we don't turn the light on, roll the window down, or hand out condoms. To see other people indulging would reassure me of some of my fears maybe... like the fear that the law have wiped dogging off the map. Also if I didn't see anyone being raped or mugged or murdered that'd be good too...
Sorry, I'm rambling, it's them nerves again.

I'm going to have some Dutch courage. Be back later x

swing

2007-04-02T10:53:00.001Z

I am still experimenting with avenues down which we could meet the men and women of our dreams. We've found a couple of clubs that might be an option - and we're considering these on the basis that I am far more comfortable meeting people face to face than I am online, because as I found when I experimented with online BDSM activities, it's flooded with fakes and liars.

That said though, I'm still creating and deleting accounts on various swinger sites "just in case". The best one I've found so far is Melanie's UK-Swingers, which is completely free [that's why it's the best] and allows users to browse profiles, send and reply to messages, participate on forums and read/write blogs.

So I have, with some trepidation, joined, and written a profile.

We're a sexy fun-loving couple who enjoy a drink, a smoke, and wild experimental sex. We may not be Mr and Mrs Supermodel, but we're alright. Everything's in the right place (apart from maybe the knickers), we're both dark-haired, slim, attractive, shaven, clean, and very safe. We both have a wicked sense of humour, and fantasies that we're keen to explore with the right person or people.

Obviously, we're here for the sex, but we're new to this so would prefer to meet socially first and take it from there.

And if you're fun-loving and honest, that's a good place to start. Look forward to hearing from you soon, and if you want to hold our slightly nervous hand, then please feel free!

I'm not really sure yet if swinging is for us, but we won't know until we try, and it seems the most likely route for us at the moment. And to be honest, I'd like to meet "like-minded people" (sluts) on a social level even if it doesn't lead to sex. I'm tired of all my straight friends (of which I have far too many) gawping at my kinkiness like I'm a freak. I'd like to be part of a community where I'm accepted and celebrated for all that I am, rather than having to keep it all hidden like a dirty shameful secret.

I'm 100% up for us sharing our bed, having dreamt about it since we first met over three years ago, but the possibility of my wild fantasies becoming a reality still makes me nervous - although I guess that's a natural human reaction to the great unknown. I think what I'm most nervous about is trying it and not liking it - I'd be fucking devastated to lose so many fantasies in one hit! I mean, what would I do?! Not that I can see that happening, but you never know… I might turn out to be a good girl.

Heh.

Another worry is that everyone on the swinging scene is going to be fat, old, and completely undesirable to me. I can't help it - I'm a fussy bitch, and I can't forge lust with someone who doesn't do it for me on a physical level, even if we get on like a house on fire.

And then, we're both dubious about people much younger than us - that's probably an insecurity thing though? I don't know… we did see an ad from a 26 year old girl who looked quite cute, but there was a voice in my head saying "she's younger than you, prettier than you, and what if Don really likes her to the exclusion of me?". Damn.I have to work on that - it's definitely not a good attitude to go into swinging with, is it? In all seriousness, I don't think that would happen - I know he loves me, I know we have a good relationship, and I don't think he would jeopardise it all for the sake of a pretty 26 year old who might or might not be a good shag. I like to think nothing or no-one can touch what we've got, but the insecurities aren't so easily convinced, so I need to bolster my confidence a bit - a couple of days on webcam should do it ;)

force

2007-03-28T16:09:00.000Z

So last night we argued because I was feeling frustrated and neglected. A few months ago I could go two weeks without sex, now I can't even go two days without getting irritable and sensitive. That's because now I'm finally getting the brand of sex I need, I'm yet again addicted to it like some kind of cock junkie.
Anyway.
So it was quite an argument - I shouted alot. A key phrase was "You can't even kiss me?!", which I repeated quite alot (too much) over the course of the evening, all the time being quite aware that I was being too aggressive, but unable to stop it.
Many many times when we've argued in the past I've wished that he'd take control. Put me over the sofa and smack me, and stop me being like this - teach me a lesson in respect. Without it, I'm liable to lose it completely.
And I was on the brink of that last night. I was starting to see red, and starting to despair (again), because communication had failed us (again). But then he got up, came over, and pushing me up against the chest of drawers with the full weight of his body kissed me so hard I could barely catch my breath. He forced his way into my mouth, and groped my tits roughly through my dressing-gown. As he pulled away from me, and released my mouth, he threw me onto the bed face down, and pushed his fingers into my cunt.

"You're fucking soaked, you dirty bitch", and with that cuffed my ankles together, making me whimper a little because I was so horny I really wanted to spread my legs far and wide. He pushed my thighs apart, spat on my cunt, and then lapped at it hungrily. Just as I was starting to relax and enjoy that, he moved to my asshole and started tonguing it out.

"You like having your asshole licked don't you, you fucking whore" as he came up to my mouth and kissed me again. "Taste your asshole, bitch... do you like that?"

"Yes", I whimpered "I like it". So he did it again, and again, moving his mouth from my arse to my open mouth, leaving the tang on my tongue with each forceful kiss.
When he grew tired of that, he moved off the bed and stood beside me, sticking his cock in my mouth. He made me gag as the tip rammed it's way down my throat. It was so forceful I couldn't really suck him or lick him or tease him the way I usually would - and he didn't want me to. He just wanted to fuck my face, and so that's what he did. He somehow managed to move onto the bed with my cock still in his mouth, and after a little more gagging on my part, he withdrew and turned round, his arse facing me.

"Lick my asshole, you dirty fucking bitch". So I tongued him out just the way he likes it - dipping my tongue into his sacred place in between wet licks, sucks and kisses. I feasted on it as I massaged that sensitive spot between his arse and his balls, and as I felt him getting closer, stiffer, tenser, more vocal he suddenly moved away, and snatching up the lube from the bedside table, went back to work on my arse, squeezing Liquid Silk into the valley between my arse-cheeks, before thrusting his fingers straight into my hole. I moaned with shame and pleasure as they slid in effortlessly.

When he then stuck those fingers in my mouth and made me suck them, I wanted to cry so bad. I was horny as hell, but I was just feeling a bit scared of myself and the impending orgasm and how it was going to come. He'd never been so aggressive, or forceful, and I was unsure of what to expect seeing as he was clearly in the mood to humiliate me as much as he could. And it was working.

"You're sucking the fingers that have been in your arse, you dirty anal whore.", he said as he pushed them in my mouth, then back in my arse, then back in my mouth. He'd never dominated me so intensely before, and my head at this point was swerving between delirious ecstasy and abject fear.
"Please fuck me... please. I need to be fucked. Please." I urged desperately and with not much shame at all. I twisted myself onto my back, but he turned me onto my front again, and as I started to clench up, he slid his thick hard cock straight in. I whimpered in defeat, betrayed by own body.

I moaned. I begged him to go deeper. Harder. Deeper. Harder. deeper. I was lost now - the orgasm had taken over and I could feel it rising up through my feet all the way to my cunt and beyond, into my chest, my head. All the time he was fucking me deeply and roughly, his cock in my arse, fingers in my cunt and as I started to come I could feel him doing something different. I don't know what it was - did he take his cock out of my arse and stick it in my cunt? I could still feel both holes being filled, I just wasn't sure what with anymore. I was completely out of control by now, but then he whispered "I'm fisting you" and it tipped me right over the edge. I was coming, crying, begging him to stop... it was so intense, I can't even find the words to describe it.

I don't know if he actually fisted me. It's hard to distinguish one gaping hole from another when they're both wet and open and hungry. But the idea that he'd fisted my arse made me scared. Scared that I had become the ultimate anal whore? Scared that my desires had overwhelmed my limits? I don't know, but I got really emotional.
Satisfied that he'd done enough, he turned me over, and looking down at me, wanked off in my face. I opened my mouth, and looking back at him with glazed eyes, welcomed the hot splashes and spurts of his orgasm as they hit my tongue, my throat, my face.

And there was no more arguing after that.

ménage à trois

2007-03-26T16:07:00.000Z

Since we have opened the man's mind to sexual pleasure in a way he's never known before, we've talked and fantasised about inviting other people into our bed. This - if I may be so bold - is something I can hardly wait for. I've already told him that I want to watch him fuck another woman, and he seems up for this - especially when I tell him I want him to cum inside her, so that I can drink his juice from her pussy. Of course I want to play with her too; it's been a long time since I've been intimate with a woman, and I miss it.
There have also been talks about another guy entering the equation. I've never been DP'd, but it's long been a fantasy of mine. Well actually, not the DP itself so much as the idea of two (if not more) men treating me like a filthy submissive whore. Maybe there'll restrain me, rendering me helpless before punishing me. Maybe they won't - maybe they would prefer I begged for the punishment, and took it without being restrained. Maybe they would spank me, maybe they would tease me, maybe they would talk to me in a degrading manner. Maybe they would stick their cocks inside me and fuck me absolutely senseless, maybe they would fuck each other and make me watch. So many permutations, but all with the same outcome... me actively "being a slut".
And that's what I'm so eager to get into. I am a slut inside. I don't make love, and I don't need you to love me before I fuck you. Every fantasy I have involves me being a slut - never a good girl, never a virgin. And the same goes for real-life too. With so many one-night stands under my belt that I can't even count them, and from such a young age, I don't think I even know how to be a good girl.
And I don't want to find out either. I just want to know how much of a slut I really am. I need it validated in some way. And more than that, I need Don to know exactly what I am too. No lies, no false pretences, just the truth. In our face where we can't deny or question it. And actually, that's probably another reason why I'm so keen to see him fucking another woman. I want his truth in our faces too.
I want us to be wide open to each other.
Between us we've already kind of agreed that our first port of call will be another woman. Maybe he wants to test my trust in him, or maybe he just wants to test my resolve. Or maybe he just can't wait...
I'll ask him later.
But either which way, the next hurdle is going to be finding someone suitable. The mistake alot of people seem to make, especially with self-confessed bisexual sluts, is that we don't need to have some sexual chemistry with the person we're fucking, and that's not true. Just because I'm bisexual (and a slut) does not mean I will get off on any random bisexual woman. I won't. She has to be appealing to me in at least a physical way. In an ideal world, she'll also appeal to me intellectually, but as I don't plan on discussing literature between the sheets, that's not so important. And the same goes for the man - he might find the idea of it hot, but he isn't going to get hard over somebody he finds unattractive, let alone want to fuck.
So where do we start? Online dating sites? They scare me - I really am not comfortable with meeting people online as there's too much room for misunderstanding, disappointment and all round frustration. And plus, it's really hard to measure chemistry in emails. This goes for all kinds of blind-dating though - it isn't exclusive to online activities.
I definitely prefer to meet people in the flesh.
So maybe a swingers/sex/fetish club? They scare me too, but only because I've never been to one. I'm not keen on being somewhere where anything is expected of us, and that's my greatest fear really. Other than that, I think that's probably the way forward for us.

As are floggers and silk-rope that he ordered yesterday. Yum!

lost

2007-03-26T08:22:00.000Z

It's not that my memory is flaky (well, it is a bit); the reason I'm having trouble remembering our nights of filth is because there's so much going on. He doesn't just fuck me, or just eat me out, or just spank me. He doesn't just talk to me about one fantasy, and he doesn't just come in my face, on my tits, or in my arse.
It's very much an intense mixed bag of kink when we get going. I don't have time to think logically about what's going on. Some play in a very structured way; planning out scenes well in advance, and sometimes with no room for improvisation. Several times he's emailed me his "plans" for the evening, which always gets me wet with anticipation, even though I know it probably won't go word for word. It certainly hasn't done so far. But that excites me even more I think - never quite knowing what he's going to do to me.
And he knows he can do whatever the hell he likes, because I don't have many limits at all. And even limits I think I have dissolve into thin air when he pushes them. For example, because of a violent past, I have never been into being slapped around the face. But he did exactly that the other night, as he called me "a fucking slut" while I was blindfolded and gagged, and I absolutely loved the sensation of my cheeks burning, and feeling "abused".
But it lasted (or rather, it felt like it lasted) for 10 minutes. We were playing for two hours, during which time he fucked and abused me in every hole and every corner of my head. Every inch of my body was subjected to his touch, smack, cock, and every inch of my mind was submerged into a world where there's only me and him, and only sex and depravation.

And I love that, even if I do have trouble piecing it together the next day. I like giving myself to him, but more than that, I love him taking me so completely in any way he sees fit. It makes me wet like never before.

blurry

2007-03-25T12:17:00.000Z

The man had his first experience with using a ball-gag last night, so of course he wanted photographs of this auspicious occasion. So he dressed me up like a cheap whore; the crotchless bodystocking, the thigh-high boots, and the sleazy PVC mac, blindfolded me with bondage tape, cuffed my wrists together, fitted the ball-gag, and in between fucking and abusing me, snapped away until the memory card was full.

And what we learnt from this exercise was that I need a bigger memory card - one of which I've just bought.

Hearing him clicking away when I was vulnerable and submerged in darkness was incredibly erotic for me. I'm always fantasising someone filming or photographing me when I'm "being a slut" and him suggesting that he might put them on the net, or show his friends, probably shouldn't have lubricated my cunt the way it did. But it's that humiliation thing again; I just can't get enough of it. I'm very proud of my sexuality - absolutely 100%. It's just the mostly vanilla society that would be disgusted with where and how I get my sexual kicks. And that thrills me.

I wish I could remember last night more clearly. I think it's a good sign that everything gets blurry; it means I'm off in subspace and not trying to take mental notes, but it's a damn nuisance when it comes to writing this blog! I remember him spanking my arse and thighs, I remember being fisted, and I remember him shooting his hot load in my face. And I definitely remember the orgasms - I couldn't stop coming, over and over again. It was relentless and I had absolutely no control of it at all.

Just the way I like it.

Next time though, I want more pictures. Maybe it'll help me remember. In fact, maybe we should make films...

last nite

2007-03-24T20:09:00.000Z

This was, originally, just going to be a blog to recount our progressively kinky sex-life, but the deeper we explore each other, the more there is to write about. So this blog may well change a little. It'll still be explicit, and honest, and 100% sex, but it won't be simply about what goes on in our bed (or wherever else we decide to fuck) - it'll be about what goes on in our (my) head too.

It's the only way.

That said: last night was another amazing session, despite it being two in the morning and both of us feeling tired and buzzing. We laid in bed and critiqued some porn he had on the laptop. First he put on some fake-tit, collagen-lip, air-brushed lesbian stuff, the type of which I hate.

"I prefer amateur porn" I tell him, because I like to watch real (attractive) people having sex, and enjoying it. If I could peep through the neighbours' bedroom windows, I definitely would.

So he put on a Russian amateur "orgy" vid, where they all got tanked up on vodka and started dirty dancing. But it was so slow, and they were so obviously inexperienced that I couldn't get turned on at all. In fact my primary thought during the entire thing was "My body looked just like that when I was twenty".
Not that it mattered, because we were there to play, and as soon as I had those wrist and ankle cuffs on, I was wet, hungry, and desperate for him to make me dirty. He'd sent me an email earlier in the evening giving some clue to what he was going to do, and sure enough, I was to be humiliated with those boots again.
Again, he made me lick and suck them while he shoved his fingers deep inside me. Again, the curves of the heel, toe and instep against my tongue made my mouth water with desire. This is the beginnings of a boot fetish - I can tell, because just writing this is making me wet. I think, but am not sure, there was abutt-plug involved in the proceedings, but I might be wrong. Everything gets so cloudy. But after he'd amused himself watching me mouth-fuck the boots, he decided that as I'd written about it, I should cunt-fuck them too, and ohmygod, that was delicious. Frustrating, because I wanted the whole thing up there, and was gyrating on them furiously trying to achieve this, but great anyway because it humiliated me to enjoy such a thing in front of him. And I just lurve that humiliation thing.

He has yet to discover the full extent of this, but he will.

He lifted me up onto all fours, and presented the leather spanker, which I had to kiss like "it was a pussy". I see a theme emerging here; I worship the tools that are going to humiliate and hurt me. Damn I love that man, even if he does give me 50 strokes for imagining myself getting fucked by a perfect stranger, and then purposely lose count. I'm taking the pain much better now though - I'm squirming less and breathing better, allowing my body to just absorb the pain like it should. I'm nowhere as tolerant of it as I was four years ago, but I kind of like that. I kind of like going back a few steps, because I'm learning things all over again, and that puts me more in line with his journey.

We finished the evening off with some hard anal sex. And why the whole world isn't having anal sex I'll never understand, because I adore it. And when he comes deep inside my arse, I adore that even more so.

*sigh*

my body

2007-03-23T17:36:00.000Z

I haven't worn any for a while, but I used to enjoy wearing clothing that oozed sex. It gave me a reason to be acting the way I wanted to act. In role-play, it was always easier to get in the right headspace with the right "costume", and the costume itself added it's own fervour to the proceedings.

A couple of weeks ago, I saw a photo of a hot woman wearing a crotchless bodystocking - and it looked fabulous on her. And so I hunted it down and bought one of my own.

I tried it on in private, zipped on my thigh-high boots, and looked at myself in the mirror. I saw my nipples poking through the fishnet, I saw my pussy exposed by the crotchless design, and I saw a woman I haven't seen in a while. A sexy woman confident about her sexuality and her body looked at me and started pinching her already swollen nipples.

She moved her hand down to her pussy, and ran a finger along her slit, slipping it in ever so slightly, her breath quickening as she did.Her pussy was so wet, so exposed, and so brave that she touched it again, but more definitely this time. She parted her legs, slid two fingers deep inside her hole, and then with now wet fingers started rubbing her clit, all the time looking at me looking at her, and whispering how horny she was, and how much she needed to be fucked.

I couldn't take my eyes off her.

Her other hand - that had still been twisting and pinching at her exposed nipples - made it's way to her now needy cunt, and started fucking against her g-spot. She rubbed her clit harder, moaned louder and told me how wet she was. I could hear it anyway; squelching with each movement of her fingers. But then she decided she needed something more, and moved away from the mirror to indulge in some photography instead.

And in between taking photos, she continued to play with her dripping wet and hungry pussy. Looking down at herself, she felt her soft slick pussy heat up under her touch, as she slowly teased it with gentle fingertip strokes. But too hungry to be teased, in the living-room and with the blinds slightly open, she laid back on the sofa, spread her legs wide, and with her fingers now buried deep inside her cunt, imagined someone watching her from the window.

She thrust her hips towards her fingers, and frigged herself hard and fast as she imagined a man standing outside, getting hard for her, getting ready to do to her greedy needy cunt what she was brazenly doing right in front of him, and getting closer and closer she imagined this perfect stranger in her house, forcefully holding her legs wide open and with him watching so closely, she could hold on no longer and came really hard.

Or in other words: I really like my bodystocking.

slut

2007-03-22T12:23:00.000Z

Last night was, yet again, incredible. With the arrival of fence-net stockings, fishnet bodystockings, ball-gag, wrist and ankle cuffs, and a very fetching collar and lead earlier in the day, it was pretty obvious we would be playing last night. And play we did, after relaxing with a few beers and sex-based conversation.

"Are you serious about wanting to watch me fuck another woman?", he asked. I looked at him and smiled, before purring "Of course! I never joke about these things". And I don't. The idea of him fucking another girl like she was me makes me so wet, so turned on and so completely blinkered that I can't stop thinking and masturbating about it.

We went to bed. He told me to put on the stockings, and while I lay there in my bra, knickers and new hosiery, he fastened the cuffs around my wrists and ankles.

It's been so long. So, so long since I felt the sensation of leather and bondage that in an instant, without him even touching me, my head became clouded with need and desire and I fell into subspace.

He spanked me. It washed over me. He fucked me. It washed over me. He made me lick my dirty slutty boots while I imagined a dirty slut wearing them - a slut who would - after bringing herself off - fuck my man like he was hers. I was dripping wet anyway, but the act of licking and mouth fucking the boots, with his voice in my ear "You love the taste of those dirty boots don't you, slut? Suck them." made me feel so fucking depraved that I could feel cunt juice running down my thighs.

For the first time ever, I had eroticised footwear, and now I wanted him to fuck me with them. Not that he did, and not that it effected my fun, because he was fucking my cunt with a dildo while fucking me in the arse with his cock, and this only aroused my fantasies of being with two men. Of being fucked by two men and treated like a slut in any way they see fit.

He went down on me, and remarked how soaked my pussy was. Then he came up for a kiss, and passed me a mouthful of my own juice. There was loads of it, and it felt so good in my mouth; reminding me what it's like to eat pussy while he whispered about a girl sitting on my face, and I really stared to lose myself then. When he came to fuck me again, I said "let's pretend I'm the other girl, and your girlfriend is sitting at the edge of the bed."

It charged him up, I could tell, and as I whispered to him "fuck me harder while your girlfriend's watching" he responded with deeper thrusts and louder moans. "You're a fucking slut" he breathed, to which I replied proudly "Yes I am. Come inside me". I wish I could remember all of what we were saying, because it was steaming hot, but I can't because I lost control of everything. I felt so drunk on it, so overwhelmed, so bursting with desire I remember holding my head and mumbling "Oh my God, she's such a filthy fucking slut" with equal measures of awe and fear, before coming over and over again in a wave of orgasm..

It was the hottest sex I've had for years, if not ever, and it was the best d/s play we've ever had together too. Falling into subspace, and losing control - it's a drug. It's so addictive, so base, and so vitalising that I'm still buzzing from it hours later.

And sharing it with him is sensational.

three and easy

2007-03-16T19:57:00.000Z

Yesterday I played on iVideochat again, because I'm a bad girl who gets turned on by all the attention I get on there and can't seem to resist it. Yesterday I logged on wearing only a towel (because I was fresh out of the bath and therefore already horny), so when they saw me they knew I was up for it. And it didn't take long for me to lose the towel and start touching myself and showing off for the camera until I came hard and fast all over my fingers.

I should've been a porn star.

The man, after finding out what I'd been up to, really punished me last night. It started with him biting my tits, and then moved on to a very hard spanking that left a mammoth bruise on my arse and me nearly sobbing because it really hurt, and I'm still struggling to let go completely and just take it. I think that might have something to do with the fact that I make so much noise I could wake people up. So I try not to scream or cry but it makes the pain worse because I'm thinking too hard.
Thankfully it didn't last too long, and what came next was delicious and prolonged sex that involved lots of anal fucking and fingering and whispering of fantasies. We imagined another girl licking me out while he fucked her. We imagined twenty men in the room and all my holes being filled. He told me he'd love to see me with another girl.
I'm going to work on it.

When we were talking about playmates earlier in the evening, he said a couple would be a good place to start, but for some reason I'm not so keen on that idea. But then I haven't really explored that idea in my mind yet. I imagine a girl, or a guy, or lots of guys, but never a couple when I fantasise. When I imagine him fucking another girl, I imagine that I'm watching them and not being fucked and distracted by another man. I want to see it. I want to see him inside her. I want to feel all the things you feel when you watch the person you love fuck someone else. When I imagine being spitroasted, I imagine that most of the attention would be on me, and maybe (hopefully) there'd be a little boy-on-boy play too "just because". I don't ever imagine a girl being there too, stealing or even sharing my limelight.

But just a girl on her own? Yes please.

dream

2007-03-15T21:42:00.000Z

Last night was dirty. The man made me put my thigh-high boots and studded collar on. He produced the dildo, the Ultra 7 and the leather spanker. Then we went into the chatroom, and he announced he was going to punish me for being a slut and masturbating on there earlier in the day.

And punish me he did.

He spanked my arse til it was red. He fucked both my holes with the toys, and then fucked my mouth with his cock. I also licked his arsehole, which shocked at least one onlooker, the same onlooker who later absolutely loved the facial. And that was some facial - it went in both my eyes, and they still haven't recovered even now.

All in all, I reckon the night's events were the kinkiest we've done on there, even if they weren't technically the best, or the most natural. Being able to shock people on that site is quite an achievement, and one he's certainly proud of today. I never really expected him to take to the idea of exposing me (and him) in front of strangers on the internet, but he seems to love it nearly as much as I do. So now when I think about dogging or swinger clubs or anything involving other people, they are a real possibility, rather than just a hot-aired fantasy.

And that is a relief. In more ways than one.

toxic

2007-03-08T17:31:00.000Z

A short post yesterday; I was still buzzing so much from the night before that I couldn't really think straight, let alone put into words how fucking amazing that night really was.
So let me try and explain now exactly how it made me feel. It made me feel like a filthy fucking slut. I wish I could have seen what those men were saying, but imagining them all wanking themselves off over me made me feel dirty. Me exposing myself like that in front of strangers made me feel dirty. Him coming in my face made me feel dirty. Him spanking my arse made me feel humiliated and dirty. And I know I should be ashamed of myself for behaving like a wanton whore in front of so many strangers, but I don't. I've been fantasising about it for ages. But a video of it would be good. I could watch it and remind myself how disgusting I am.

And I am disgusting. I masturbated on iVideochat today in my new red undies. I showed them my arse and my tits and I finger-fucked myself until I came. I didn't get naked, although I suspect that isn't much consolation for being so incredibly naughty while the man was at work. I sense that he is going to properly punish me for this. And so he should... I deserve it.

I am just so horny all of the time. My mind is racing with the possibilities suddenly spread before us like my legs were the other night, and I don't think I have never been so hungry for it. He's making me feel like his girlfriend and his slut and God... it's delicious.

wow

2007-03-07T19:08:00.000Z

So, then. Last night, for the first time ever, the man sent me an absolutely shocking email. He told me what he wants to do to me, and that I'm a dirty cum-guzzling anal whore, and I loved that bit the most I think. And I was keen to show him exactly how much of a filthy fucking slut I am, so at the earliest opportunity I showed him iVideoChat.
And within minutes I was naked and being fucked and abused in front of loads of strangers. And it was so fucking hot. Jesus. It was everything I expected, and more. The man enjoyed it too, I think - fucking me in the arse, mouth and cunt while they got looked on, and that's good because I want to do it again. Repeatedly.

Today, I can't stop thinking about it. And when I was in the chat room earlier, so many said it was amazing (in particular the facial, and the anal) that I couldn't help but feel proud of myself for being such a filthy slut. And my arse is feeling sore, and that's always something to feel proud of.

I just wish I had a copy of the video.

sex, filth and videotape

2007-03-06T19:47:00.000Z

Today I continued in my quest to find somewhere to go with the webcam... anywebcam.com is alright, but the streaming is really choppy, I don't like the profile, and I found it hard getting into the chat on there. Plus, there are loads of Australians ;)
So after a bit of googling, I ended up at iVideochat. And my first impression was that it looked to me like a good place to be a perv, because it's really easy, doesn't require any software, there are loads of webcams, loads of pervs, no profile to fill in, and really good streaming. And it's mostly free...
So I stayed and chatted for a while, just to get a feel for the place. And I used the webcam for the very first time! Woo! Some of the people were twats , a few of them were quite fun to chat with, but mostly they were all perverts (just like Lycos, really). There are probably better chat/cam sites out there where there aren't 50 blokes telling you to "get your tits out", and stuff, but until I find them (and it's like looking for a needle in a haystack), this one might well do.
And I admit, it turned me on. I mean, really turned me on. I knew it would. I've been turned on all afternoon thinking about them all wanting to perv over me. And seeing them all getting so excited over one of the girls who was playing with her rabbit vibe made me feel really quite jealous of her. So now I definitely want to show them everything... I want to go on there with the man and be absolutely filthy - either for him, or with him - and let them all watch. In fact, I don't know what turns me on more; the thought of them watching us, or of the ways the man could humiliate me in front of these strangers... And to be honest, I think they'd like that more.
And just think... before I met the man, I wouldn't even view his cam, let alone let him view mine. How far I have come, eh?

In other news: We appear to have started sending dirty emails to each other, and as we've never done that before it's quite a buzz at the moment. I love my boyfriend writing filth to me like I'm some kind of internet slut...

Oh, wait.

the bitterest pill

2007-03-04T11:32:00.000Z

I think I ruined things a bit yesterday.
He read my blog on Friday night after I'd gone to bed, and then yesterday he was back to being really horny, just like he was last weekend. I got very suspicious of this, and wondered if he was just "turning it on" again like he has in the past (usually after an argument). Because we haven't had any sex since Monday for one reason or another, I've been sulking a bit, and starting to doubt him again. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. It's too early in the day to be certain of where we're going sexually, especially when there are such huge extremes in behaviour.
Yesterday evening, he took a blue pill, and we looked at this site for some boots. He got really turned on, and whilst stood behind me, started rubbing his cock against my back. Unfortunately, because of this doubt, I couldn't get turned on at all. Ordinarily, I would have. Ordinarily I would've put some boots on, and sucked his cock, because although I don't have a shoe fetish, I do like wearing sexy boots (especially when I know it makes him hard), and those boots were seriously hot.
So we had an argument, and I said that if I wasn't in the mood, he couldn't get me in the mood. But that's not right. He can get me in the mood - when I'm not overwhelmed by doubt. He said I'm making everything bad by doubting him, and he's probably right. But the only way to get rid of it is by him showing me it's real. And that means doing more than just spending money on toys and shoes. What I really need is for him to get in my head and dominate me from there. But maybe that's too much too soon...
So anyway, we didn't have any sex again last night. I went to bed without him, and woke up this morning to find him holding my thighs open and licking my pussy. Not the worst way to wake up on a Sunday morning, and I loved it... the way he as holding my legs, and the way his mouth was attached to my pussy it was almost like he was forcing me to have an orgasm. And orgasm I did, quite hard, even though I didn't really want to.
What I mean is; I did, but I didn't really want that kind of sex; that random early-morning sex that seems to have signified our sex-life for the past couple of years. Like he said himself last weekend, I don't want to go back to that.

Not now I've seen what's up on the horizon.

notes

2007-03-02T12:54:00.000Z

Frustrated after last night's debacle, I had to play with myself today. Four times. And I took the photo that now appears in the sidebar - fitting, I think.
It was years ago that I first saw photos of subs being used as pillow books ("A pillow book is a collection of notebooks or notes which have been collated to show a period of someone or something's life" - wikipedia), and ever since then I've always wanted it done to me too. Complete with photos.
So I did it to myself today, and made myself feel a bit rude. And I looked the perfect picture of sluttiness when I watched myself wanking in the mirror. Afterwards, rather than washing it off, I took the photos, and decided to leave it there as a reminder of what I'd been up to. Every time I go to the toilet I see it, and I feel naughty all over again.
And although I would be embarrassed and humiliated (ahem), I want the man to see it. I can't get up the courage to show him though, so I'm sitting here slightly nervous that we might fuck later.

In other news: I've registered us on anywebcam.com as a couple, and have written a profile, and uploaded a photo. And I've set the webcam up. All I need now is time to explore it!

look at me

2007-02-28T15:15:00.000Z

After insisting that I'd never get a webcam, today I bought one. And I bought it with the sole intention of being absolutely filthy with the man, and having people watch it live via the web.
It's such a good idea I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner, to be honest. I love being watched, especially when I'm being treated like a filthy slut. There is not really any adrenalin rush quite like it.
And web-camming is safe.... well relatively safe, and certainly safer than dogging which (as I previously mentioned) I'm very intrigued about but not quite brave enough to try yet. It's also accessible, convenient, doesn't require a babysitter, and opens up new possibilities. We might even make new (pervy) friends!

I don't know how the man really feels about this though as it's solely my idea, and one borne out of talking to old internet friends about their experiences. We have talked about it briefly, and I've told him I won't use it for perving without him, and I won't. I'm not really interested in doing it on my own... where's the fun in that? If I'm going to be a slut, I want the man to at least be witness to it.

Anyway, so that's that. Now I just have to find a decent site amongst the six million shit ones on which to display myself. But in trying to do so, I realise it's been ages since I stepped anywhere near the seedy side of the internet, and as a result don't have a bloody clue where to start!

But I will persist, because it's going to be hot. I just wish being a pervert wasn't always so bloody complicated and/or expensive.

get on top

2007-02-27T10:35:00.000Z

So when we went to bed last night, the man was absolutely gagging for it. He'd been rubbing his cock for most of the evening (and I'll say it again - that turns me on really alot. Maybe I should start rubbing my cunt through my jeans in front of him whenever I'm feeling horny too), but rather than let me suck it, he'd been telling me wanted to wait another night, to give him a chance to replenish his stocks! However, come bedtime, he invited me to fuck his arse, but I said I didn't want to (no reason - just wasn't in the mood), so we agreed that if he went down on me, he could fuck my arse instead.
And fuck me he did. In the arse. Really hard, and really well. I've never had anal sex while on top, and it was fucking fantastic. And I don't think in all the times we've had anal he's ever really said much. He's certainly never told me how tight and good it felt, or how much of an anal whore I am. And I love the dirty talk. LOVE IT.
We haven't had anal for a while... it's not been right (ie; I've not been able to relax enough for penetration to not hurt like fuckery) for a good few months at least. But last night I was wide open for his cock, and because I was on top of him for a change and doing most of the fucking, that turned me on more, because I was quite aware of how greedy for it I must've looked. Or maybe that was just in my head, but either way, I liked the idea of him seeing me really wanting it. Something I don't think he gets to see when I'm face down and underneath him, because that's a very submissive position and so lends itself more to me taking it rather than wanting it. Anyway, I'm babbling, but I know what I mean.
And I had the most delicious anal orgasm, and that's the only thing that matters really.

The downside to that is that we only got about five hours sleep last night, and are absolutely fucking knackered today. And that's inconvenient because we've just this morning taken delivery of a shitload of blue pills, and a rock-chick vibe (which has won awards, but is going to take a bit of practise I think. That's probably why they have an instruction video on their website!).
Nice though - I had a go as soon as it arrived, and my bits were still feeling it two hours later! I did think about texting the man to tell him I was laying on the sofa with the blinds only slightly adjusted and fucking my soaking wet cunt with it, hoping someone would see me, but I didn't.
I want him to tell me to.
I want him to feel the power he has over me if he would only take it, and I want to feel under some degree of control. Yes, I could text him without him telling me to, and it would still lead to "something", but it would be just that much more meaningful if I had to.

Does that make sense, or am I babbling again? It's the lack of sleep, I tell ya. Tonight, we shall sleep.

do it again

2007-02-25T22:41:00.000Z

I woke up this morning to feel the man coming all over my back. Some women would definitely be offended by this, but I like it. I like him using me for sexual gratification, even if I am still asleep.
Later on, when the house was empty, he got me to wear my thigh-high boots and a school tie, and then told me to get on all fours so that he could punish me.
Again, he wrapped my head in bondage tape, and y'know - I think I like that too. I've often worn blindfolds and gags in the past, but having my whole head encased is a different sensation altogether... one I approve of. In my mind, it's more humiliating than blindfolds (and some tamer gags) and more restraining too, and that's all good. Anyway... he spanked me again, conveniently losing count of the strokes (seeing as I couldn't talk, he was counting on my behalf), and telling me what a sneaky dirty slut I am for playing with myself and not texting to let him know.
But he didn't tell me I had to do that in future, and I kind of wish he had. We've never done the dirty correspondence thing, and it would've been a good excuse to start, but nevermind...
The session didn't last that long (maybe due to ongoing lethargy?) - didn't feel as intense as Thursday nights', and he left me high and dry after coming in my face and on my tits. He did suck it up and pass it to me via a kiss though, so that was nice.
And then I laid on the bed, with my booted legs wide open and masturbated in front of him, properly, like I do when I'm on my own. I was too horny to be inhibited, and him clicking away on his camera just turned me on more and more. I imagined him putting the photos on the net, or showing his friends, and I had such a powerful orgasm he even heard it rush out of me.
I love being watched. It's why I want the webcam (well, one of the reasons, anyway). All my best orgasms come when there are eyes on me.

Later, he said he wanted to buy some cuffs and a ball-gag. I told him not to rush - I think a little part of me is scared that it's just going to be one of his fads, and that I'm going to be dropped from great heights of expectation. But he kept on about it, and a little while later ordered leather wrist and ankle cuffs, a leather ball-gag and a collar and lead. (Just writing that makes me wet.)
I'm not so surprised by the cuffs, or the gag. The collar I'm slightly surprised at, but the lead?! The last time I was put on a lead, it was by someone who'd been playing for about five years and was seriously into humiliating me... and now my boyfriend who was sexually uptight two weeks ago, has ordered one! I'm gobsmacked, to be honest. But excited nonetheless.
I'm also gobsmacked at the erection count.... tonight he's got rock hard about half a dozen times, and I haven't even touched him. This is really unlike him. It's unlike him to get turned on that often for no apparent reason, and it's unusual for him to tell me about it and openly rub his cock through his jeans... I want to suck it but he won't let me. Says he's saving it.
But we'll see.

rush rush

2007-02-24T14:57:00.000Z

We are tired today! Exhausted by a lack of sleep and lengthy sex sessions, we are incapable of little except maybe some more talking about what we've done and what we want to do in the future with our new-found compatibility.
Apart from the fact that Don seems to have been bitten by the bondage bug, the other big change is the way he's communicating with me now. I love it. Both in bed and out, he's talking to me about things he never would've "before", and it's allowing us a new level of intimacy which - if nurtured - could give us some fantastic opportunities and experiences, and bring us closer together.
In fact, it is very hard after being sexually frustrated for far_too_long not to get carried away with the myriad of ideas dashing through my mind at the moment, in case I miss my chance.
I want to buy a webcam, and I want us to perform in front of it. I think it would be a good first step into the world of exhibitionism/voyeurism, which is another kink of mine that I'm very eager to impress upon the man, for not entirely selfless reasons. Which leads me to the next Great Idea...
Dogging. This might just a fantasy, but either way, it's a new one on me and something I'm definitely curious about... I would need to investigate it much further before I attempted it though - the idea of inviting complete strangers into your car for sex might sound like a seriously horny idea, but ( and call me a prude if you want) the reality of it makes me think DANGER. Not that I don't love danger - I really really do, but ... well, I just don't want to be murdered...
I do eventually want to have some kind of threesome/gangbang with him though. The last time I did that, I was still a teenager, and it would be great to try it now I know what I'm doing ;) And as I whispered to the man last night while he was eating me out - I'd love another woman to join us. I think he already knew that, but I think he assumed that as I'm a half-queer slut, I'd want her for my own pleasure, when that's not entirely true. Yes, I'd love to be able to have the best of both worlds (and what half-queer slut wouldn't?), but I would also love to watch him fucking another woman. He sounded slightly surprised at this; he has a ridiculous idea in his head that I'm outrageously jealous, but I'm not. What I am is desperate to see him enjoying another woman. This satisfies two kinks of mine: the voyeurism, and humiliation. And what could be more humiliating than your lover fucking another woman in front of you? It is my most used fantasy in recent times, and usually ends with me drinking his cum out of her pussy.
Sigh.
One day, maybe (hopefully). For now though, I'm trying to contain myself. Because if this really is The Real Thing, we don't have to rush, as much as I feel compelled to. And if Don wants to explore his sudden fascination with bondage, then that's fine by me.

turn into

2007-02-24T14:21:00.000Z

After Thursday night's shennanigans, I was so horny yesterday I simply couldn't leave myself alone. At all. By lunchtime I'd wanked myself silly on the sofa, the bed, the toilet, the bathroom floor, and this chair I'm sitting on now. I'd done myself in front of the bedroom window and in the shower too with my new favourite toy, but it was only after a furious and lengthy session that saw me come three times before squirting all over the bathroom floor that I finally got some relief.

I haven't been that horny in ages. Years, probably. I feel like I've just been released from captivity, like suddenly everything is possible where it wasn't for so long... Like I can now start to be me again, kinks and all.

The man and I talked about it all last night in great detail. He told me he'd been walking around at work with a massive hard-on all day, unable to take his mind off what he did to me. He told me it was the dirtiest, most exciting sex he'd ever had. He told me that he would probably use it as wanking material for a long time to come. I sat there and smiled, and let him talk. He's not usually that open a person, but I could see in his eyes that something had changed.
"I see what you mean, now" he says to me "It was like a drug, and now I just want more and more."
I've waited three years for him to say that. For him to see a glimmer of what I find so special about d/s. Listening to him say these things made my pussy ache for him in a way it never has before.
"I'm ready to try anything now... I want to try anything, everything... It's opened up a whole spectrum of possibilities."
We talked for hours, with me becoming more and more convinced that after all this time, there was a real pervert starting to emerge in front of my eyes. We went to bed at midnight, eager to take our conversation to the next level. And we touched, explored, whispered fantasies and dirty filthy smut in each other's ears. He went on all fours and let me explore his arse to the fullest. I tongued him out, and fucked him with my new favourite toy, while my free hand played with his cock. It's long been a desire of mine to give him the gift of anal, and the reality was as steamy-hot as the idea of it had been - I imagined The Man getting it on with another man while I watched, and by the time he'd come all over my tummy, I was ready to come myself.

And I did, several times during that mammoth 5 hour session spent fucking and sucking and exploring ideas... it was an education in so many ways, and it culminated in him pissing all over me while I knelt in the bath with my mouth open, just like a filthy slut should.

never say never

2007-02-24T02:59:00.000Z

Last night you made me wear my slut boots. Last night you made me look and act like a slut, and do you know what I love even more than I love you? You got it.
You wrapped my head and wrists in bondage tape, and I felt vulnerable, but I was so excited. This is where I belong. In bondage. I wish I could've seen you when you fucked your arse with my boot though, because that was the first time I ever really thought of you as a pervert.

And then. You let me inhale the scent of the leather strap, because you know what a turn-on that is for me. I kissed it, and I nearly came right then. In fact, I'm not sure I didn't. And then you spanked me. You made me count them out, and I kept going wrong because it hurt so very much... and I cried and wriggled and tried to fight it and because I did, I only floated in and out of that special place I go to when the pain is too much, rather than allow myself to let go completely. But float I did, and everything went a bit blurry for a while. I remember that you fucked me with a vibrator. I remember that I greedily fucked your face with my dripping cunt. I remember that you fucked me with your cock, and fingered my arsehole. I don't remember much else.
I do remember gagging though when you rammed your cock down my throat. I remember you spanked me again. I remember that you shot your load down my throat and I managed to save some of it in my mouth. And I remember kissing you, and letting you taste your own cum.
It was fucking hot.

I felt weird after... somehow not complete. But now I think about it, it was probably because I couldn't let go completely. And now I think about that, I think that I'm starting to make a connection between sex and trust. Perverts only trust perverts.

And one day, I'm going to trust you x